Monday, September 14, 2015

QUICKLY NOW



HURRY grab the keyboard - AND SOME CHOCOLATE and GET TO WRITING - I tell myself because I am having a moment of fresh perspective so I'm writing it out before I forget.

I'm three months behind in listening to Tori Kelly's new album "Unbreakable Smile". I've loved that lady from her YouTube days, collabs with my personal fav Jeremy Passion. Any way. She has a song on it called "The Art of Letting You Go". I thought that her hit "Should've been us" was my jam but I was wrong. This letting go song is my jam. Like honestly part of me hates her for writing the perfect song for me, from the very first VERSE to the last word. Curses, Tori, curses and kisses. I'M REALLY EXCITED BECAUSE I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS GONE WHAT I WENT THROUGH!! Well, what I am still going through.

Because YES letting go of what you thought would be and should be everything is indeed an art form because it's as hard as hell to do. BUT GUESS WHAT? Tori Kelly wrote a song about it and it's not the end of her world and it's certainly not the end of mine.

I'm guessing that Tori and I are not the only two people in the world that have had to accept 'no' as the answer and suffer with the heartbreak that comes with the letting go process. If we were the only two, I don't think she would write a song about it because she, like me, would be so ashamed of the way she was feeling that even if she penned a ballad about it she wouldn't put it on her break-out album.

All this to say that I'm not as much of an anomaly as I once thought, and that's encouraging to me.

At this point you are thinking I'm so silly. "Mariah" you say "of course you're not the only one to have had this experience, don't you know?" Hardly any one is EVER alone in any feelings they may be experiencing, no matter how it feels, you are NOT alone, trust me. Human experiences tend to be rather similar. That's the beauty of it all. Of course I'm not the only one to have been on the losing end of unrequited love. Of course I'm not the only one to have held on to something for much too long. If Miss Kelly struggles with it, then I don't feel like such a loser for having the same feelings.

So here is where I exhale. The relief that perspective brings is sweet and long awaited, even if it's for a fleeting moment. Battling my feelings of regret and embarrassment is going to be a continual process. But, thanks to distance and time, these battles are just that - battles- and battles come in waves. Distance and time have been been good to me. The tunnel I've been in has a light at the end and I've caught glimpses. I am prepared for good days and bad days. And I cannot do it on my own. I have to be kept accountable so I can continue to heal and move on.

And whereas this song brought much needed validation, I musn't linger. [this just in - 'mustn't' must be a British thing, because spell check isn't liking it, thanks mom (also, for my FL buddies if you ever hear me saying something that doesn't sound quite right just assume it's a British phrase because I use certain language on occasion that I don't even realize is un-American just because I have used it my whole life. The struggle is real)] I need to continue to move on and look forward. This perspective that I am not alone in my experience comes OVER A YEAR after leaving the place and people I called home, so as far as I have come I know it's an incredibly slow process and it is far from over. I know I have a quite a ways to go and I know I'm going to need encouragement to not dwell on it. I know I need to forgive and forget, even if that means maybe doing things that are not comfortable for me and maybe even one day going to places I never thought I'd have to go again.

Praise the Lord for His grace in all of this.
 


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