I write sometimes, remember?
When I was a kid, there was a tape of lullabies that I would listen to every night to try and fail to fall asleep to.
One of the lines in that lullaby is "if I could I would give you wings...soon your little wings will be big enough to fly" all the other lines are completely irrelevant because why?
because I DID get my wings and I don't want them. You got that? TAKE THEM BACK I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.
When I turned 18 they just kind of SPRUNG UP and I didn't really even realize they were there until 2 years later, when I turned 20 . Then after I realized that I had them, I couldn't figure out what to do with them!!
This narrative has continued into my 20's. It hasn't ended. Each year I think "certainly I've made all the dumb decisions, certainly I'll learn my lesson"
Nope, each year I tank harder. Each year I fall further and realize how far I still have to go.
Praise God for a sense of humor, because it is funny, it really is.
It's funny when you plan a beach day and the minute you open the door to leave the house it starts to downpour.
It's funny when the very thing you're trying to distance yourself from for your own emotional health hits you square in the face, LITERALLY.
It's funny when you joke about the Packers losing to the Vikings and they lose the game AND their quarterback.
It's funny when all you want to do is spin as fast as you can on the tilt-a-whirl so you go in it with a friend and NO SPINNING HAPPENS so you just sit there watching the person in front of you who's gone solo spin faster than you're ever supposed to go on those things. And you can't help relating that disappointment to your entire last decade of life.
Its funny moving clear across the country to escape an unpleasant situation and you find yourself in the same situation three years later.
Its funny when someone you had trusted with your heart and just throws it on the floor, shattering it into one thousand million pieces.
All of these things have happened to me* just in the last few months.
There are days that seem just plain bad, those days may turn into weeks. Then you think "OK enough of this irony let's by done now", as you giggle nervously.
And then those weeks turn into months, and then after so many months of it you finally write a blog because you're so exhausted from all of this that just seems like a big joke.
But the joke isn't funny any more. Do you hear me? I'm not having fun any more. I don't want my dreams haunted any more. I don't want to break out in sores because the persistence of this ache just won't leave me be.
Please refer to the asterisk to read any further.
I realize that I've fallen in to a self-centered, victim mentality. I am not speaking of this mindset in the past tense. Nope, I'm writing you from a very weak, mentally and emotionally compromised place. That asterisk is proof of that. "all these things that happened to me." Things happen to people all the time, life happens.
Do you see, as I do, that the very framework of my thinking is flawed? Do you see that I can joke about all these jabs that life is sending me, but take the jokes too far? It's too easy for me to play the victim. To be full of self-pity, instead of thankfulness. Because, boiling it down, that's all this is. "look at all these things I don't have, all these things that DIDN'T happen" instead of "look at what I have, all these things that DID happen.
"Mariah" you ask "where does your Jesus come in to play in all this? Is he not the one you're pointing to in most of your writings? Isn't he the one you're always talking about?"
Yes, yes He is, and I have not forgotten him, and I know He has not forgotten me. He's with me in this season, and I know he is good, even if I don't feel that goodness in the traditional sense of that word right now. I am striving not to forget his promises. And when I say striving I mean it. I'm feeling beat down and it's really tough for me to cling to the light when I'm feeling like I've stumbled in the darkness, over and over. and over. and over. I can't see what it is He is doing with my life, and I have too many days than is comfortable to admit that I doubt he's doing anything.
It's a dark day, my readers. I have more dark days than I'd like to have. Maybe there's more going on than just a poor attitude. Maybe I need more than just a gratitude check and a "confessional" blog, I don't know.
Right now I just ask you to pray with me.
Pray that in the midst of all these things happening "to" me, that I can step out and "happen" to some one else, that it, that I can take what I DO have (which is quite a lot) and be a blessing.
Maybe you can relate to this, maybe this encouraged you to step back and reevaluate YOUR attitude, as I have done.
Try reframing your woes.
It's funny when your beach day gets rained out so you get to have many indoor conversations, with friends and good food. that probably would not happened if you had been basking in the sunshine, by the waves.
It's funny when you get hit square in the face, fall down, and can get back up stronger (in reality I think I'm still on the ground after this one, but I'm working of figuring out how to get back up)
It's funny when your QB is out for the season. Just kidding, it's not funny. AT ALL. i love you Aaron.
It's funny when you're on the tilt-a-whirl and you're with so many of your friends and you get a second, third, and fourth chance to get that spin and speed.
It's funny when you're in the situation you previously tried to "escape" in your life, but now you're out of coasts to run away to, and so you get a second chance to "learn" the lesson the right way.
There's nothing funny about heartbreak. But I know that God is going to piece it back together, and my fragile little heart will be stronger and better, when all the pieces are in place again, because my heart is now in the hands of the Creator of the universe.
My wings are broken, but I am still called to fly. I'm learning as I go and it is a bumpy road, but I have friends and family supporting me, along with the undying Word of God. Praise Him always!
When I was a kid, there was a tape of lullabies that I would listen to every night to try and fail to fall asleep to.
One of the lines in that lullaby is "if I could I would give you wings...soon your little wings will be big enough to fly" all the other lines are completely irrelevant because why?
because I DID get my wings and I don't want them. You got that? TAKE THEM BACK I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.
When I turned 18 they just kind of SPRUNG UP and I didn't really even realize they were there until 2 years later, when I turned 20 . Then after I realized that I had them, I couldn't figure out what to do with them!!
This narrative has continued into my 20's. It hasn't ended. Each year I think "certainly I've made all the dumb decisions, certainly I'll learn my lesson"
Nope, each year I tank harder. Each year I fall further and realize how far I still have to go.
Praise God for a sense of humor, because it is funny, it really is.
It's funny when you plan a beach day and the minute you open the door to leave the house it starts to downpour.
It's funny when the very thing you're trying to distance yourself from for your own emotional health hits you square in the face, LITERALLY.
It's funny when you joke about the Packers losing to the Vikings and they lose the game AND their quarterback.
It's funny when all you want to do is spin as fast as you can on the tilt-a-whirl so you go in it with a friend and NO SPINNING HAPPENS so you just sit there watching the person in front of you who's gone solo spin faster than you're ever supposed to go on those things. And you can't help relating that disappointment to your entire last decade of life.
Its funny moving clear across the country to escape an unpleasant situation and you find yourself in the same situation three years later.
Its funny when someone you had trusted with your heart and just throws it on the floor, shattering it into one thousand million pieces.
All of these things have happened to me* just in the last few months.
There are days that seem just plain bad, those days may turn into weeks. Then you think "OK enough of this irony let's by done now", as you giggle nervously.
And then those weeks turn into months, and then after so many months of it you finally write a blog because you're so exhausted from all of this that just seems like a big joke.
But the joke isn't funny any more. Do you hear me? I'm not having fun any more. I don't want my dreams haunted any more. I don't want to break out in sores because the persistence of this ache just won't leave me be.
Please refer to the asterisk to read any further.
I realize that I've fallen in to a self-centered, victim mentality. I am not speaking of this mindset in the past tense. Nope, I'm writing you from a very weak, mentally and emotionally compromised place. That asterisk is proof of that. "all these things that happened to me." Things happen to people all the time, life happens.
Do you see, as I do, that the very framework of my thinking is flawed? Do you see that I can joke about all these jabs that life is sending me, but take the jokes too far? It's too easy for me to play the victim. To be full of self-pity, instead of thankfulness. Because, boiling it down, that's all this is. "look at all these things I don't have, all these things that DIDN'T happen" instead of "look at what I have, all these things that DID happen.
"Mariah" you ask "where does your Jesus come in to play in all this? Is he not the one you're pointing to in most of your writings? Isn't he the one you're always talking about?"
Yes, yes He is, and I have not forgotten him, and I know He has not forgotten me. He's with me in this season, and I know he is good, even if I don't feel that goodness in the traditional sense of that word right now. I am striving not to forget his promises. And when I say striving I mean it. I'm feeling beat down and it's really tough for me to cling to the light when I'm feeling like I've stumbled in the darkness, over and over. and over. and over. I can't see what it is He is doing with my life, and I have too many days than is comfortable to admit that I doubt he's doing anything.
It's a dark day, my readers. I have more dark days than I'd like to have. Maybe there's more going on than just a poor attitude. Maybe I need more than just a gratitude check and a "confessional" blog, I don't know.
Right now I just ask you to pray with me.
Pray that in the midst of all these things happening "to" me, that I can step out and "happen" to some one else, that it, that I can take what I DO have (which is quite a lot) and be a blessing.
Maybe you can relate to this, maybe this encouraged you to step back and reevaluate YOUR attitude, as I have done.
Try reframing your woes.
It's funny when your beach day gets rained out so you get to have many indoor conversations, with friends and good food. that probably would not happened if you had been basking in the sunshine, by the waves.
It's funny when you get hit square in the face, fall down, and can get back up stronger (in reality I think I'm still on the ground after this one, but I'm working of figuring out how to get back up)
It's funny when your QB is out for the season. Just kidding, it's not funny. AT ALL. i love you Aaron.
It's funny when you're on the tilt-a-whirl and you're with so many of your friends and you get a second, third, and fourth chance to get that spin and speed.
It's funny when you're in the situation you previously tried to "escape" in your life, but now you're out of coasts to run away to, and so you get a second chance to "learn" the lesson the right way.
There's nothing funny about heartbreak. But I know that God is going to piece it back together, and my fragile little heart will be stronger and better, when all the pieces are in place again, because my heart is now in the hands of the Creator of the universe.
My wings are broken, but I am still called to fly. I'm learning as I go and it is a bumpy road, but I have friends and family supporting me, along with the undying Word of God. Praise Him always!