QUICKLY NOW

HURRY grab the keyboard - AND SOME CHOCOLATE and GET TO WRITING - I tell myself because I am having a moment of fresh perspective so I'm writing it out before I forget.

I'm three months behind in listening to Tori Kelly's new album "Unbreakable Smile". I've loved that lady from her YouTube days, collabs with my personal fav Jeremy Passion. Any way. She has a song on it called "The Art of Letting You Go". I thought that her hit "Should've been us" was my jam but I was wrong. This letting go song is my jam. Like honestly part of me hates her for writing the perfect song for me, from the very first VERSE to the last word. Curses, Tori, curses and kisses. I'M REALLY EXCITED BECAUSE I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS GONE WHAT I WENT THROUGH!! Well, what I am still going through.

Because YES letting go of what you thought would be and should be everything is indeed an art form because it's as hard as hell to do. BUT GUESS WHAT? Tori Kelly wrote a song about it and it's not the end of her world and it's certainly not the end of mine.

I'm guessing that Tori and I are not the only two people in the world that have had to accept 'no' as the answer and suffer with the heartbreak that comes with the letting go process. If we were the only two, I don't think she would write a song about it because she, like me, would be so ashamed of the way she was feeling that even if she penned a ballad about it she wouldn't put it on her break-out album.

All this to say that I'm not as much of an anomaly as I once thought, and that's encouraging to me.

At this point you are thinking I'm so silly. "Mariah" you say "of course you're not the only one to have had this experience, don't you know?" Hardly any one is EVER alone in any feelings they may be experiencing, no matter how it feels, you are NOT alone, trust me. Human experiences tend to be rather similar. That's the beauty of it all. Of course I'm not the only one to have been on the losing end of unrequited love. Of course I'm not the only one to have held on to something for much too long. If Miss Kelly struggles with it, then I don't feel like such a loser for having the same feelings.

So here is where I exhale. The relief that perspective brings is sweet and long awaited, even if it's for a fleeting moment. Battling my feelings of regret and embarrassment is going to be a continual process. But, thanks to distance and time, these battles are just that - battles- and battles come in waves. Distance and time have been been good to me. The tunnel I've been in has a light at the end and I've caught glimpses. I am prepared for good days and bad days. And I cannot do it on my own. I have to be kept accountable so I can continue to heal and move on.

And whereas this song brought much needed validation, I musn't linger. [this just in - 'mustn't' must be a British thing, because spell check isn't liking it, thanks mom (also, for my FL buddies if you ever hear me saying something that doesn't sound quite right just assume it's a British phrase because I use certain language on occasion that I don't even realize is un-American just because I have used it my whole life. The struggle is real)] I need to continue to move on and look forward. This perspective that I am not alone in my experience comes OVER A YEAR after leaving the place and people I called home, so as far as I have come I know it's an incredibly slow process and it is far from over. I know I have a quite a ways to go and I know I'm going to need encouragement to not dwell on it. I know I need to forgive and forget, even if that means maybe doing things that are not comfortable for me and maybe even one day going to places I never thought I'd have to go again.

Praise the Lord for His grace in all of this.
 

California Love

Travel does the soul good. This is a known fact. It brings perspective on where you are in your life, both geographically and emotionally. This is exactly what happened to me on my last excursion. 

It's been over a year since I decided to leave California. I bought my one-way ticket out of California a year ago on August 27, 2014. On August 27, 2015, I was back in my home state, helping one of my dearest friends get ready for her wedding day. The irony of me being back on the west coast a year after 'leaving it behind' is almost too much to bare. Hilarious? Maybe a little.

The first time my life was uprooted and relocated in such dramatic fashion I was 5 years old and I had no say in the matter, and I was too young to realize the effect it would have on my life. The second time is when I went to college. College, a bubble specially designed for friendships and community, and oh yeah - structure and learning. This last uprooting, though was of my own doing, and I had no training wheels. 

Beginning again has been a lot like college, except there are no coordinated social friendship building events. This time around I was 23 years old and I descended into the lives of people (family) that were already living theirs, I was just starting mine. Even the people I have found here that I really like (friends) have their own lives, and I'm just trying to convince them that they need me in it. 

So why am I still talking about my new life here in florida, 8 months later? Because I have come to realize that 8 months  (four months in Morocco does not count, in case you caught the timeline disparity) is NOT a long time and it is still all very new to me. The last place I lived I was there for almost 20 years so to compare what I had in California to what I have here right now is grossly unfair.  

My visits to California, being with the family and friends that were all so familiar to me, granted me perspective. Yes, I had a life over there. And when there are people there who I allowed to hurt me badly there were countless others that loved me and wanted to best for me. And I was not finding the best for me there, so I left. So here is a reminder to myself that life here is just beginning and I need to take my west coast experience and not get depressed on how far I HAVE NOT got with my life on the east coast but look at how far I HAVE come. I have the start of something great here. I still do not know what's best for me but I'm beginning to see that it's all a choice. It was my choice, ultimately, to come here and it is within my choosing to stay or go. But I believe happiness is a choice and I have as great a chance finding it here as I do anywhere, and the day I think that's not the case I'll be gone. I get to choose who I spend my time with. I get to choose HOW I spend my time. By God's grace I have a great job and some great people in my life. By His grace I can continue to foster those friendships I have already established. By His grace I can lay my insecurities aside, begin new friendships and seek new opportunities that I have offered to me being young, single, and [dirt poor but] debt free. 

well, ttfn ta ta for now.