Some of you know that I have been "going through something" lately. I hate obscurity of this phrase but given the broadness of my audience I thought it best not to be completely transparent. Fewer of you know that I've been literally sick to my stomach about this "something"I am not going into much detail if any about what is going because those of you who know are the ones that need to know, discretion is key.

Why are you sharing about it then, Mariah? 

Because right now I am trying to claw out of the depths that I fell into and I need to share about what has helped me. Breaking it down to the core issue is healthy and necessary for me, because I am both a thinker and a communicator. 

What's a thinker? 

Well, I process things, just because I am physically somewhere does not necessarily my mind is completely present. Some of you may have noticed this. I'll be in a social situation and you see me just staring off into space. This means that I am a million miles from where my physical body is, thinking about something else. Also I analyze. This goes along with being a thinker. My mind is always on, I am extremely observant of others behaviors, too often this is a fault. Living in the moment is a gift that I am not so good at taking advantage of. 

What is a communicator? 

Well, for me it means that if I can not communicate to some one else what it is I am dealing with it drives me crazy. Articulate. TI liked this word. Yes, TI the rapper. Communication, as a set of college courses anyway, mixes quite often with Psychology, refer to above paragraph. Articulation of my situation is important because if I can not articulate what it is I am going through I believe what I am going through is not valid. Assigning a reason for everything, maybe its partly scientific as well. 

The 'problem' is something I thought I could deal with THIS TIME AROUND by conducting a preemptive strike. By assuming certain truths, and operating in this reality that I had created for myself I could avoid the hurt, or beat the hurt to the punch. I was discussing this issue with one of my gal pals she raised a good point in that I was trying to meddle in something that I really have no idea or any control over - the future. The assumptions I have been making, as true and legitimate as I hold them to be are still just that, assumptions. No, at the end of it all none of it even matters. The real key to solving this problem is surrender. It all gets whittled down to an issue of pride.  I can not know what the future holds and I was trying to coordinate and predict it. How dare I! I serve a risen Savior! I serve the God of the universe. He is the maker of the stars and he KNOWS the plans he has for me. How dare I go about worrying and fretting like I was just another lost soul in the world. No. I must return to my FIRST and ONLY love. I must live the life of daily surrender. Yes, I hate even admitting that I am dealing with this struggle but never the less I am.  I STILL am. I wish and have prayed the God take it away, because honestly it is exhausting, and exceedingly more so as time marches on. If I am meant to let it go than God will take it away. If I am meant to stand up and face it then God will give me the words and the opportunity. But it is in God's providence that I must have faith, and continue the DISCIPLINE of DAILY surrender. I must have the appropriate view of myself as to know that I am not above grace -accepting that Jesus takes me and loves me where I am and for what I am. And what I am is well and truly broken and in desperate need of his love and strength.

I realized my poignant reality with the help of none other than one of my favorite artist Jars of Clay. Here are the lyrics to "World's Apart" aka my anthem: 

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

It may or may not be true that I was sobbing to this song driving down the freeway as this song came on one rather unfortunate evening. 

OK, so how do I wrap this one up? All I can do is just ask for prayer and continue focus on day to day living. Each day we are living is all that we are promised and each day of life is a gift. What can you do about your struggles in the day? Better yet, I call you to turn your attention outward and ask how you can bless others? There are no accidental interactions in life. Are you going to build others up or bring them down?

 Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own struggle."