Some of you know that I have been "going through something" lately. I hate obscurity of this phrase but given the broadness of my audience I thought it best not to be completely transparent. Fewer of you know that I've been literally sick to my stomach about this "something"I am not going into much detail if any about what is going because those of you who know are the ones that need to know, discretion is key.

Why are you sharing about it then, Mariah? 

Because right now I am trying to claw out of the depths that I fell into and I need to share about what has helped me. Breaking it down to the core issue is healthy and necessary for me, because I am both a thinker and a communicator. 

What's a thinker? 

Well, I process things, just because I am physically somewhere does not necessarily my mind is completely present. Some of you may have noticed this. I'll be in a social situation and you see me just staring off into space. This means that I am a million miles from where my physical body is, thinking about something else. Also I analyze. This goes along with being a thinker. My mind is always on, I am extremely observant of others behaviors, too often this is a fault. Living in the moment is a gift that I am not so good at taking advantage of. 

What is a communicator? 

Well, for me it means that if I can not communicate to some one else what it is I am dealing with it drives me crazy. Articulate. TI liked this word. Yes, TI the rapper. Communication, as a set of college courses anyway, mixes quite often with Psychology, refer to above paragraph. Articulation of my situation is important because if I can not articulate what it is I am going through I believe what I am going through is not valid. Assigning a reason for everything, maybe its partly scientific as well. 

The 'problem' is something I thought I could deal with THIS TIME AROUND by conducting a preemptive strike. By assuming certain truths, and operating in this reality that I had created for myself I could avoid the hurt, or beat the hurt to the punch. I was discussing this issue with one of my gal pals she raised a good point in that I was trying to meddle in something that I really have no idea or any control over - the future. The assumptions I have been making, as true and legitimate as I hold them to be are still just that, assumptions. No, at the end of it all none of it even matters. The real key to solving this problem is surrender. It all gets whittled down to an issue of pride.  I can not know what the future holds and I was trying to coordinate and predict it. How dare I! I serve a risen Savior! I serve the God of the universe. He is the maker of the stars and he KNOWS the plans he has for me. How dare I go about worrying and fretting like I was just another lost soul in the world. No. I must return to my FIRST and ONLY love. I must live the life of daily surrender. Yes, I hate even admitting that I am dealing with this struggle but never the less I am.  I STILL am. I wish and have prayed the God take it away, because honestly it is exhausting, and exceedingly more so as time marches on. If I am meant to let it go than God will take it away. If I am meant to stand up and face it then God will give me the words and the opportunity. But it is in God's providence that I must have faith, and continue the DISCIPLINE of DAILY surrender. I must have the appropriate view of myself as to know that I am not above grace -accepting that Jesus takes me and loves me where I am and for what I am. And what I am is well and truly broken and in desperate need of his love and strength.

I realized my poignant reality with the help of none other than one of my favorite artist Jars of Clay. Here are the lyrics to "World's Apart" aka my anthem: 

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

It may or may not be true that I was sobbing to this song driving down the freeway as this song came on one rather unfortunate evening. 

OK, so how do I wrap this one up? All I can do is just ask for prayer and continue focus on day to day living. Each day we are living is all that we are promised and each day of life is a gift. What can you do about your struggles in the day? Better yet, I call you to turn your attention outward and ask how you can bless others? There are no accidental interactions in life. Are you going to build others up or bring them down?

 Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own struggle." 

I work at a grocery store

Plan A was to leave after preforming my maid of honor duties at the best friends wedding. It's true that I don't know what I am doing here but same goes for any where. So here I am, 22, trying to establish some roots, what ever that is going to look like. I still have days where I am a just a few computer clicks away from buying a one way ticket to Florida or Morocco and never looking back. Any hows, you didn't come to hear about me blabbing about my life in general again, today I'm a bit more specific.
I work at a grocery store.
 It's a small grocery store, so I have my regulars, as would be expected in a town as small as mine. These are some customers worth discussing.
I have that customer who is very verbal and awkward with his obsession with my hair. The first comment was borderline. He tells me what nice hair I have and I say "thanks it's kind of a mess because I just washed it and threw it up in a pony." He then unfortunately chose to continue "it would probably look fine even when I had just woken up." and THEN he says "It would probably look good even after you've rolled around in the mud." Thus ended the first regrettable conversation. If that was not a border crossing than this next one surely crossed the border like [insert stereotypical politically charged reference here]. No joke, here it is, you ready? And I quote "If you weren't so young and beautiful I'd say lets scalp you and mount your hair up as a wall piece." I timidly explain that I normally try to distance myself from scalping activity, because WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? WHERE COULD I POSSIBLY GO WITH THAT STATEMENT OR EVEN RESPOND???  Praise the Lord that the transaction went quickly and I was rid of him but not before he muttered "it wouldn't hurt that much" Luckily this customer really doesn't come through too often, at least on my shift, but he is unfortunately memorable.

I have a few homeless men and women who frequent my store. The man I am going to tell you about I will refer to as Joe (guys his name is not Joe). Joe has a crush on me. Joe comes into the store a few times every day, sometimes going through my line, sometimes not. Joe is probably in his late thirties. Joe gets bashful whenever I acknowledge him. He blushes and smiles and gets all fidgety when I look at him. It's like I'm his second grade crush or something. The state of Joe's mental health is something I am not sure of and before you think he's creepy he's not. Well, there's a possibility that he is but that's not how I see it. It's refreshing. He doesn't cross any lines. He always tries to impress me, coming up with a new answer to the question "how are you doing" every time he sees me. Last night it was "oh I'm just a kid with a dream." I like think it makes his day when he can get a laugh out of me.  Maybe I'm reading it all wrong but maybe it's just nice to have a guy not hide how he feels about me. All I'm saying is that it's nice to know there may still be guys out there that will let their feelings show. It's innocent and maybe even vulnerable but that is a refreshing thing to see from a guy.

My favorite is when customers asks me for permission to go do something. It's like once they have committed to my check out line I AM THEIR lORD. "can I run go get something I forgot the mayo?" It's like, what can I POSSIBLY say? My verbal response? "I can't  stop you" my mental response is what I really feel "ugh you chump you better be back by the time your items reach the front of the belt or ima be MAD." Because honestly peoples, if I said "no" you all would just laugh at my funny joke and go any ways.

My other favorite is the broad spectrum of questions I'm supposed to know the answers to. Because as an employee of this grocery store I am certainly not human but I am indeed a robot who can process correct price differences at the drop of a hat, know all the employees schedules by heart, know the price of every product in the entire store, and also know the exact date and times of all the truck deliveries, and what specifically is in those trucks. I want to say:  "Miss, do you ever see me leave this check stand? No, I'm in the check stand for literally eight hours a day and never really go any where else in the store. Except the break room, and the bathroom. If you would like to know where those are I would be happy to direct you, and while I may be a lord over this check stand right now I am not omnipotent." Here's the kicker though, if I don't provide a satisfactory answer, 9 out of 10 times they just STAND THERE LOOKING AT ME.  When this happens I have to have a plan of attack which I have yet to formulate. maybe I should STOP whatever it is I am doing (which is checking, ALWAYS checking), point my entire body towards them, and give them cross eyes until they walk away. What will this accomplish? NOTHING! But it will give me and probably some of my coworkers a good laugh.

Now sharing time is over and it's time for you to take some advice, because we all shop.
1. 15 items or less. Please don't come through the express line with 16 items, or 30, if you're so far deceived. And believe me, plenty of people are so far deceived. Ideally, you'd come through express with three items tops, as that is all there is room for in the express lane. Stupid express lane. I don't like it. I say it's because it's too small for my wingspan (tall girl reference) but really it's because chumps come through with too many items. So please, 15 items, and ideally, much less.
2. You know those nice hand baskets the store provides for your shopping convenience? Well, just because it's small enough to fit on the belt doesn't excuse you from UNLOADING IT YOURSELF. If some shopper with a full sized cart full of groceries rolled through and expected me to unload it AND check all the items you'd think them a little absurd wouldn't you? Well, if you don't where I am going with this then you probably leave your items in the basket. Shame on you.
3. It's really uncanny the number of customers that forget their wallets. To me, that's a little bit like walking out the door and going to work without your pants on. I mean seriously. I wish I was joking when I tell you all that the other day I had three customers in the span of a half hour forget their wallets. If you forget your wallet then you're the worst. Please don't forget that YOU must be the one to provide payment for YOUR food at the time YOU chose to enter my line. Please just put your pants on - I mean, remember your wallet.

That's all for now - take it or leave it, what do I know anyways - I work at a grocery store.



* disclaimer: I really like my job. Like I tell all my customers: I like it because I get to talk to a hundred people a day and each one of them has no choice but to listen to me. On the real though, even if it's not what I see myself doing for the next ten years it has really helped me to knock out my student loans, which at this date are CLOSE to being paid off, ALL PRAISE TO GOD with His great love and mercy.