I Owe You All

This is the blog that was cruel to write an entire week later. But maybe that is the amount of time I needed. Let me begin by stating that my life is in a CONSTANT state of "OK Mariah, you could be leaving now or at any point in the future and you're gonna be ok with that." I don't know what 'settled' would look or feel like. I will tell you this much that I have made a quiet cautious "decision" to stay in my hometown. It is a quiet little town, not where I would have chosen to be right now but a few months back when I first moved here God made it very clear that this is where I was suppose to be. So here I am, settling, as much as a girl who does not like strings attached can settle. For me this looks like me knocking on different doors to see if I do have a place here. I'm trying to get involved at church. I've begun volunteering, and a few things are still left on my checklist. This includes discussions/planning my future living situation, and a second source of income, maybe even possibly an internship, but i will keep you posted on that, as the holidays in the retail business are kind of crazy.

I owe you all an apology because I wrote the last post not three days after a…heartbreak. Almost two weeks later and I have a bit of a perspective on the situation and it was not as big of a deal as I was making it so I apologize. I am being vague because it's a part of my life that I am not willing to honest about yet with just any person who may read this. When I am honest about how I'm feeling I hate it. I can't stand acting and feeling the way I do, I would ALMOST rather go to the dentist, and if you know anything about me, you know that's saying a lot. (I don't want to talk about it, unless you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are someone that SHOULD know about what I'm talking about, then let me oblige) At least I'm honest about my inability to be honest, right?  The point is I wrote the last blog when I was emotional, oops (I've heard it happens sometimes: you know, emotions?)! I mentioned that the incident (incident makes it seem like it was catastrophic you are going to have to excuse my limited vocabulary: I have a degree in communication not English) was a bit of catalyst and that's true. Since then I have really made steps to seeing if this place is the right place for me. Because I need to begin living life and knowing what that should look like for me. So far, things are semi-falling into place. It might help if I had any big major life plans, but I don't. Marriage: Dear. No. One. (you need to be getting this reference: Tori Kelly, look her up) Career? MAYBE something, soon? I don't understand how I wasn't red flagged in high school or even college, like "HELLO this girl has no direction for her life please somebody help her." But I suppose they do not really do that! It's true that I don't really know WHAT I am doing here but the same would be true anywhere! In my hometown I am already semi established with a good group of people to love and support me. Right now that's all I can ask for and that's all I can give: LOVE. As much as I do not have one specific goal in life the purpose of my life on this earth is to give glory to God in whatever I am doing. We are called as Christians to love others. We are not promised tomorrow. So all I can do is glorify God in what I am doing on the daily, whether that is serving coffee to a group of sweet elderly people who think I'm so pretty and sweet or cashiering for sometimes the not so sweet shoppers at Safeway. Living in the moment: that's about all I know how to do at this point so if I am somewhere I can serve than that is the right place for me.

This post has been very multifunctional hasn't it? Usually I am just spilling my guts about something, working through my emotions but this one was also informative and a little bit practical. Kind of like me eh? Multifunctional, honest, emotional, with a little bit of practical. As always, I love you guys and clearly could use some prayer in directions for my life. 

Motivation

I've included a serious photo of my serious face to seriously add to the effect of my serious blog.
On the real though, this one is mostly serious. 

I've struggled recently with the word "motivation". Being a recent college graduate, I am still transitioning out of "good grades" are my motivation. This 17 years of being a student and then all of a sudden not being one is something I am not handling very well, because, we should always be learning right? Life is about learning and growing right? Well, then what am I doing because I am not feeling like I am doing much of either right now. I am learning some stuff about myself sure enough but it is not necessarily stuff that I like. I don't even feel funny anymore! Guys I am a funny person, I've been reading back through my previous blog posts, Mariah is a funny gal. Sure there are still some people around who are my confidence destroyers,  I know everyone has confidence destroyers in their life, people that just make you feel so insecure. Am I the only one? If I am, please don't tell me. (If you have not gleaned this from my writing so far, here you go: for me my humor and self assuredness go hand in hand) (assuredness = security vs insecurities = self confidence ---> Mariah synonyms)
My lack of progress in self confidence was startling in a recent trip I took back up to my college town. I was greeted in no uncertain terms like a celebrity. That weekend reminded me of glory days, everyone loved me and knew the great girl I know I am, they even crowned me queen. Guys, I was LITERALLY the QUEEN (I have the tiara and pumps to prove it). I came back from that weekend just wanting to be back there, back in time and not where God has me now. But God has me HERE, NOW.
In my college town, I call the shots. I was comfortable in that role of being the one everyone turned to do find out what we were gonna do next. But I am the kind of leader that waves the white flag when confronted with the possibility of a power struggle with another leader. Does this make me a bad leader? Does this make me a leader at all or some kind of nasty pseudo leader?maybe? Maybe I'm just delusional that I possess any leader qualities as all. At any rate I am certainly no kind of leader where I am right now, so my role as a leader or not is something I am going to have to work through as maybe its not my leading abilities at all as it is me being a loud personality. But I do not see that I am any of that here.
I know I am not all that I can be right now. I have to channel my energies into something other than just going to work everyday, because that's not the life I was meant to live. The life I have been called to in Christ is the life that reflects Him, the life of a servant. Life is so unnerving for a servant who's not serving. (shout out to Beauty and the Beast) Christians are servants and if I call myself a Christian, if I have been called to be a Christian then serving is the only way I am going to feel fulfilled in life. Losing your life to gain it. Paul would be so proud on how all my thoughts are finally coming together on this one. If you're reading this right now, thanks dude, can't wait to meet you!
Getting back to the point. motivation. I do desire to serve but  I also thrive with an audience. Does this make me a people pleaser? Or maybe it's just an expression for my need for accountability. Everyone needs accountability. People who know your goals and keep you in check to reach those goals. This does not necessarily have to look like one single person guiding you and coming alongside but in the past that really has helped me. I've been reading Philippians where we get a glimpse at Paul and Timothy's relationship and that seems to support my argument for the importance of a partner. Thus far there is no ONE special person like that in my life. Now accepting applicants. just kidding.
That last paragraph doesn't seem to flow very well with the rest of the blog post but it's very important. Moving on now...
I'm at a blogging crossroads here, do I end the post here or continue on to describe the recent incident in my life that has since acted as a catalyst. It was somewhat of a breaking point that I really should have been expecting but I wasn't and since then only good has come from it. No, I think I will save that for another post, in which I will discuss my deciding to stay or leave my hometown. Stay tuned :) 

Arms Length

Let me start this out by saying that I have quite the impressive wingspan (significantly longer than my height) and if I had any upper body strength at all I would be a force to be reckoned with. Second thing I want to say is that as I write this blog I proceed with caution. Last thing I want to do is thank you for sharing this journey with me.
I'm home.
I wish I could say I knew why. I wish I could say I have the slightest inkling as to what lessons God wants to teach me. If it is what I have only a few times dared to think about what it could be I'm not ready for it.
To carefully begin to explain my inner turmoil at this time I have to go back to the archives of my mind about three years. Summer 2010 my world as I thought I had known it, shattered (shout out to OAR, for inspiring my word usage). I always put it this way, summer after my senior of high school was the best I ever had. Summer after my freshmen year of college was the worst I ever had. Since the issues I am dealing with are still current, this is where my being careful is important, because I realize people do actually read my blog (it's on the world wide web, you wouldn't think I'd be so surprised).
I feel bad for my professors my sophomore year of college, honestly  because my heartache was reflected in everything I wrote that year.  Yes, it was my therapy but it help me articulate my feelings and pin point just what it was the issue was.
Embarrassment, humiliation, whatever you want to call it. A beating that my pride was not ready to take. A beating my pride is still taking but has not yet fully accepted.
Issues that I realize were not dealt with, or "got over", just suppressed. I just distanced myself from them, literally. I left home for school at the end of that summer and then the next summer is the summer my family moved out so I had no time to experience the hurt. After what happened I didn't really deal with it I just kind of jabbered about it.
Dirty 530 - I had it on lock. I had no, or very few insecurities to deal with. Confidence was fine.
Ptown - you see a different person. I have so many people here that accept me for who I am and who love me for who I am becoming. But there are people here that send any confidence I might have to the pits. The hurt is still there because acceptance still is not.
I left home for college, came back (as permanent or temporary as it may be) after graduating with the same questions as I had as an 18 year old hurting teenager. Questions stemming from insecurities. Unanswered questions.
I don't  understand why I so desire this acceptance, for one because I have no idea what it would even look like. For another I don't know if I would truly even appreciate it. I know I need to let it go, because I've built it up in my mind through the years to way more than it should be. Prioritizing horribly (TI). You keep me at an arms length when all I have wanted was a hug.
Imagine a ferocious bird that is screaming and clawing at your face. Trying to let go of that bird is not really an option because it's not simply going to fly away. Nope, you're going to have to hunker down and handle this bird. ("give it the business" as I still say sometimes, although not as frequently as I used to) Back when the bird first began attacking, I retreated. From a safe distance I was able to look at the bird with some perspective, I was able to think through my plan of action. Three years later and I'm still not able to execute said plan. This perspective helped in the bird losing SOME intensity, but it's claws are still out, and still sharp.
The Lord has a plan for me and wants to see me gain the confidence to deal with the "bird". He wants to see me and the bird have a healthy relationship. The bird is only a small part of life, and I've always made it a defining part of my life in the home land. I have to find the where the bird will work in my life. In conclusion, I know the bird is not worth the time I choose to give it. So claws in buddy, claws in. Oh man, birds don't have retractable claws do they? Well, that concludes my metaphor, and post.

History/Future

Time. It really is a crazy thing. I can look back ten years from now, I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of  the boy that would complete my family. I was blissfully unaware of the hell that the final two years of Jr. High would bring. My mind can not even start thinking about ten years from now as I don't even know what the next two months will bring. Such is the time in my life. They call it the beginning of adulthood I think they should call it "and you thought college was the hard part?" HAH! they laugh sadistically. For those of you twenty-something year olds that have it all figured out. Those of you with a steady job, home, or financially stable significant other who has stated intentions to be with you forever, stop reading now, this post isn't for you. This post is for those twenty-somethings who life has yet to be kind to. This post is for those who have to TRY to make it. However, if you are one of the few who this post does not relate to, feel free to keep reading because I put it on the internet for any chump to read. But don't expect any roses.
Comrades, comparison is a *you know what.* You are no less of a person just because you're working twice as hard and getting half as far. On the flip side, don't get that martyr syndrome and think that this working twice as hard makes you a better person. Life deals different hands and God does not give us any more than what we can handle. Don't go around with your nose up in the air thinking you are so much braver and stronger than those with a cushy life, everyone has their struggles. I type these words and convict myself. O my freaking gosh I HATE when I do that! And it ALWAYS HAPPENS, maybe I should stop writing hahaha (just kidding, I know y'all love me too much)
Twenty-somethings, are you lacking a purpose? First it was: What do you want to be when you grow up? Then you grew up and until you're doing something with your life the question is "so what did you major in school?" You know you've really reached a whole new level of failure when people stop beating around the bush all together and straight up ask you "what are you doing with your life?" It is at this point where you should call it a night, like those guys did when Jim Jones pulled out of his garage. ( reference to one of my favorite rap songs, Top Back, by TI. [yeah I like a little rap, so what?]) The truth is that nobody know that they are going to do with their life. I am quickly realizing that life is made up of years, years of months, months of weeks, and weeks of days. Thus it is what you do with each DAY, that's what life is about, that's what you DO with life. I uttered a complaint last week that I have nothing to live for, no purpose. How dare I! I have life! God kept me alive today, and that's all I have to worry about. What am I going to live for day to day? Tomorrow is Sunday, what do I live for on my Sunday? Well, I'm going to worship with an amazing community of believers that God has blessed me with. I'm also having lunch with a friend. The question I need to ask going into tomorrow (and EVERY DAY) is "how can I bring glory to God in this day?" Because that is every one's purpose in life, glorifying the Creator. Boy oh boy do I sound like my mother. (which is a wonderful thing, I'm in no way being facetious [which, by the way is one of that funny British ladies favourite words])
When I think about the future I am terrified, I'm not going to lie to you. I have my good days and bad days. On my good days I can boast of my mighty God and how my future is in His hands (which is of course, ALWAYS TRUTH). On bad days......oh lets just say I've made some "chocolate runs" to Winco, Target, Walmart, or wherever I can get my hands on some. Consumption of said chocolate is rather beastly and painfully awkward to witness but is for me unbelievably therapeutic.
I'm all out of words, and although it seems like a brief ending, I think I have written more than enough. So you are welcome, and chin up folks, it gets better! Actually, I really don't know that it does until after death, but if I allow myself to believe that it does not get better I too would be calling it a night. 

Bottled Up

There are some things that I have really been wanting to share. I've been spending some time recently with a friend who gets paid to blog, so I was naturally a little intimidated and hesitant to post another entry, but here it goes!  
First Topic: 
God: outside of the Christian school context. 
It may not come to a shock to everyone that the summer marks my very first time living off of a Christian school campus. Until that fateful day in August 2011 when my family moved to Africa, I had never EVER not lived on campus of the school I attended. For the first time in my life, I truly feel like I can chose what defines me. I have put myself in a situation, however temporary it may be, where I can find who I am and how I spend my time. Let me just tell you a little something as a side note: I love being independent, and I'm going to ride that wave however long it may last! Anyways.... 
So far I'm being pulled toward the idea that life is about service (I'll touch on that later), I think that comes from the life of Jesus? I don't know if you all have heard of him but he's the best. Recently I have been receiving so much clarity about my relationship with Him. Everything I have heard my entire life is slowly sifting and forming the true with out the false. 
It should come to no surprise to any of you that have been "following" me for a while that I struggle with this thing called pride. I am supposedly in a relationship with this Jesus who takes me for who I am, flaws and all. This is what I have heard my whole life. It has been so difficult for me to actually accept this because I felt so useless in the situation. It's true though, I'm human, without Jesus and His love, I am useless, hopeless, and lost. I know the Father only accepts what is blameless. In his eyes though, we ARE indeed blameless. That's the cross! Hello 8 year olds sunday school!  I know all of this is so basic "christianity" but really it's what life is all about. All this crap about "trying to live a perfect life" or "do your best not to sin." Or what was popular in my childhood was the phrase "Do your part." Any effort is irrelevant when you realize that kind of grace we have really recieved in Christ. If you are someone who TRULY understands how much Jesus loves EVERYONE then you are TRULY free, because our very lives will reflect that. I'm trying hard to get through this to you, reader! It's the "dead faith" idea James of the Bible talked about. Faith without works is dead. Faith without works is not. I don't even want to use the term "works" because that's like a buzz word within Christian communities. Nor do I want to say that works is a natural outpouring of faith because that makes it sound like it's a step 1 then step 2 deal. But it's not! Think for one second all it is that Christ has done and your life will be spent loving others in the same way. Be real people! Christ loved us by giving us grace. Grace is love. Love is serving. And we all know you can not be prideful and truly be serving other. Problemo numero uno para Maria. Pray for me as I struggle. I know I have been called to a life of service, but I need to learn service through humility. Humility hurts and it is tough for me not to get that feeling in my heart of superiority (pride) when I am serving. I can SAY that I know I am no better than the people I am serving but SAYING it out loud and FEELING it in your heart are two very different things. If I do all these things, but have not loved, I have gained nothing. (sound familiar, sunday schoolers?) So, yes, I am serving, but I can't say it's 100% from a heart of love. I don't know what this path to humble service is going to look like, but I figured it's better to get on that path by being in service than to be avoiding that context all together. I know I am serving for a reason. Like I said before, humility is a tough lesson to learn, and I can feel it creeping in. Pray for me. 
Well that was a long one, wasn't it? and I'm still going! Lucky you! 
Second Topic: 
20-something life: newsflash: I'M SINGLE. prepare yourself for the music references now: I think you should think you should know that I am listening to Taylor Swift when I write this next part. So when I was thinking about this blog I saw myself as a two sided tape. For all of you born in the 70's, stop being dramatic right now. I was born in '91, of course I know what a tape is. Cheekyness over...
Side #1: 
I love being single! Being single is the business! I get to do whatever I want when I want to do it, and here's the kicker, I don't have to tell anyone!! I've been single my whole life and I have no idea what being a girlfriend looks like. Heck, I've never even been on one date!! Boys are stupid, no pursuing ever takes place anymore, and he would just tie me down. Because this is my view on boys, I would just make the one that happened to fall into my life absolutlely miserable, because i would doubt his sincerity every step of the way, on account that in my almost 22 years of life, no guy I have had feelings for has ever reciprocated, so I think if I saw that I'd probably be too freaked out to know what to do about it! And then I think, well maybe I'm just not DOING it right. That maybe the right guy has come and gone and I was just shut down, as I tend to be with guys I realize I "like like." Paul was single. Singles have a much less complicated life and effectiveness in the Kingdom is untarnished. And I'm done waiting. I'm not a lady in waiting I'm a lady living. If my man is out there he will find me and fight for me. you hear that chumps? FIGHT for your woman. 
Side #2
Being single sucks. If my friends aren't married they are engaged, and if they aren't engaged they have a boyfriend, and if they don't have a boy friend they are dating the scum of the earth. I'm not getting any farther away from the age where the only single guys left are a bunch of desperate social outcasts with masculinity issues. I hate being a third wheel. I've realized many of my friends think third wheeling can be avoided. But to me, a third wheel is someone who is spending time with a couple. It's not a certain situation the couple puts you in or not, it just is. If you're hanging out with a couple, and it's just you three, you're a third wheel, regardless of how they make you feel. At least that is my definition. All this to say that single friends are getting tougher and tougher to come by, so I guess I better buck up! Companionship is something that everyone craves. Someone that knows you inside and outside. Someone who just plain GETS you, is so special and could make life so much easier, knowing that someone is always there. There is no denying that when you see two people together, you just know that they were meant to be by the way they look at each other, by the way they interact. To have that relationship with someone where you don't even have to say anything. To have someone that is not there to judge you but to love you, someone to be your best friend and who you can trust completely is something I long for so much! Not to mention I really do want to make BEAUTIFUL biracial angel children. (side note: you can ask me about my thing for redheads later if you'd like: It's called a spectrum peoples, and let's just say I'm pretty extreme when it comes to types)
Well this is the longest blog I've written in a while. If you are reading this, please comment, or somehow let me know you read this and also your thoughts would be great. Because if I'm not the only crazy person that thinks this way I would love to know! 
TTFN! 

FAQ (stands for frequently asked questions)

yeah, this post is exactly what you think it's about. You're welcome.
 These questions are questions I get asked a lot. Not in any kind of order.

• What is it that your parents DO over there, are they missionaries?
• How tall are your parents? 
• So where do you GO on breaks? 
• How do you know so many people?
• What are you going to DO after you graduate? 
• Can you please just stay at Simpson with us another year? 
• Would you ever date a short guy? 
• Where are you from? 
• How does it feel being queen? 
• Your mom's British, so does she have an accent? 
• How tall are you? 
• Would you ever marry a white man? 
• Do you highlight your hair? 
• Do you play basketball or volleyball?
• I bet you want to marry a really tall guy, don't you? 
• Why do you wear heels? 
• Are you a natural blonde? 
• When do you do your homework? 
• Are your siblings tall too? 
• Do you miss your family? 
• Have you ever modeled? 
• Would you ever dye your hair? 
• So what do you guys do in class, just talk the whole time?
• Are you excited to graduate? 

I know it's been a while. A long while since I have posted. And I guess this is just a little teaser, letting you guys know I am still alive and kicking. I hope this offered a little, slightly humorous glance into the sort of questions I get asked the most often. I promise to try to post more often, depending on how busy my life gets POST graduation, which is coming up SOON, so pray for me!