Motivation

I've included a serious photo of my serious face to seriously add to the effect of my serious blog.
On the real though, this one is mostly serious. 

I've struggled recently with the word "motivation". Being a recent college graduate, I am still transitioning out of "good grades" are my motivation. This 17 years of being a student and then all of a sudden not being one is something I am not handling very well, because, we should always be learning right? Life is about learning and growing right? Well, then what am I doing because I am not feeling like I am doing much of either right now. I am learning some stuff about myself sure enough but it is not necessarily stuff that I like. I don't even feel funny anymore! Guys I am a funny person, I've been reading back through my previous blog posts, Mariah is a funny gal. Sure there are still some people around who are my confidence destroyers,  I know everyone has confidence destroyers in their life, people that just make you feel so insecure. Am I the only one? If I am, please don't tell me. (If you have not gleaned this from my writing so far, here you go: for me my humor and self assuredness go hand in hand) (assuredness = security vs insecurities = self confidence ---> Mariah synonyms)
My lack of progress in self confidence was startling in a recent trip I took back up to my college town. I was greeted in no uncertain terms like a celebrity. That weekend reminded me of glory days, everyone loved me and knew the great girl I know I am, they even crowned me queen. Guys, I was LITERALLY the QUEEN (I have the tiara and pumps to prove it). I came back from that weekend just wanting to be back there, back in time and not where God has me now. But God has me HERE, NOW.
In my college town, I call the shots. I was comfortable in that role of being the one everyone turned to do find out what we were gonna do next. But I am the kind of leader that waves the white flag when confronted with the possibility of a power struggle with another leader. Does this make me a bad leader? Does this make me a leader at all or some kind of nasty pseudo leader?maybe? Maybe I'm just delusional that I possess any leader qualities as all. At any rate I am certainly no kind of leader where I am right now, so my role as a leader or not is something I am going to have to work through as maybe its not my leading abilities at all as it is me being a loud personality. But I do not see that I am any of that here.
I know I am not all that I can be right now. I have to channel my energies into something other than just going to work everyday, because that's not the life I was meant to live. The life I have been called to in Christ is the life that reflects Him, the life of a servant. Life is so unnerving for a servant who's not serving. (shout out to Beauty and the Beast) Christians are servants and if I call myself a Christian, if I have been called to be a Christian then serving is the only way I am going to feel fulfilled in life. Losing your life to gain it. Paul would be so proud on how all my thoughts are finally coming together on this one. If you're reading this right now, thanks dude, can't wait to meet you!
Getting back to the point. motivation. I do desire to serve but  I also thrive with an audience. Does this make me a people pleaser? Or maybe it's just an expression for my need for accountability. Everyone needs accountability. People who know your goals and keep you in check to reach those goals. This does not necessarily have to look like one single person guiding you and coming alongside but in the past that really has helped me. I've been reading Philippians where we get a glimpse at Paul and Timothy's relationship and that seems to support my argument for the importance of a partner. Thus far there is no ONE special person like that in my life. Now accepting applicants. just kidding.
That last paragraph doesn't seem to flow very well with the rest of the blog post but it's very important. Moving on now...
I'm at a blogging crossroads here, do I end the post here or continue on to describe the recent incident in my life that has since acted as a catalyst. It was somewhat of a breaking point that I really should have been expecting but I wasn't and since then only good has come from it. No, I think I will save that for another post, in which I will discuss my deciding to stay or leave my hometown. Stay tuned :)