Sunday, April 24, 2016

Use Somebody

blog title chosen because I just freaking love this song and it's been stuck in my head lately.

2014 - I lived under a thick cloud of depression and confusion. I was in so much pain and it felt as though my entire life was in disarray. 
2015 - that thick cloud began to lift. I still had dark moments but I was more willing to bring those dark things to light, accept them, and work through them. 
2016 so far, has been a lot of forward progression. If I'm honest so much has happened and is happening and I'll try not to go into super gory detail about it. 
I'm realizing that I'm a very moody person. I'm caught between "just keeping it real" with people/not wanting to "put on a face" and curbing my emotions and simmering down if I'm angry or just not feeling it that day. I guess I just don't appreciate fake people so when I'm feeling like Satan pooped on my day specifically, I don't want to act like everything is ok. If I feel like garbage I'm not going to act like a sunflower I'm sorry. In the same breath I can say that I do quite often feel like a sunflower so when I am acting like a sunflower, it's not an act at all, it's real. Generally I have a gift of joy so often I think Satan does take a crap because what I have is something he would like to squash. And more days than I'd like to admit, he wins. 
At any rate, lessons are being learned. Nearly a quarter of the way through 2016 (seriously, HOW?!?) and I can say definitively that things are happening. Good things.
I had a mid twenties life/career change. Always fun. 
I will soon be traveling to a foreign country that I've never been to with people I've never traveled with. So I think they're cool and I think they think I'm cool but like I said, we've never traveled together. 
I am learning that my self esteem has come leaps and bounds. Hearing truth about who I was created to be and blocking out lies. But this is a daily struggle for me.
I'm being honest about my feelings, good and bad, and I have people in my life who I know will love me through the good and the bad.
I continue to place relationships with people above literally anything else and I know this is a problem. How do I know this? I can easily spend hours thinking about one thing one of my friends may have said to me, offhand. Who does that? Me? Right now? no!yes.ugg.
I am realizing that I do have a unique and specific heart and I need to be doing what I love. And I'm working on it (I'm just going to say it: I love old people. So much. It can get out of hand sometimes. "Mariah! look at those old people!" is like a saying now.)
I still talk too much and don't listen enough.
I'm still about 10 years old when it comes to humor. I'm about 10 years old when it comes to boys/crushes. And as always, with dancing, I'm timeless. Baby I'm classic. This is a love that will never die.
I need to say things that bother me that I know I can't just let go, even if the person I'm saying it to isn't going to like what they hear. 
I am building friendships that are not based on who I was in high school. I'm building really fun but also serious relationships with people who are learning how to adult right alongside me. 
I am learning to love. I am learning who and how Jesus loved and I try to do the same. 


that's just a quick update on my life. My friends and family thank you for your support.

ps. I got a new phone # in January so if any of you want that just text me. just kidding that's so stupid. Direct message me K? :) 

1 comment:

  1. Smiling a 'black-eye-susan' at ya. :) I enjoy your fresh way of saying things and expressing realities, Mariah! Your mom used to eat toast off my plate at boarding school :) That is my claim to fame with your mom -- and my connection to you. jk. Keep writing!!

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