I Owe You All

This is the blog that was cruel to write an entire week later. But maybe that is the amount of time I needed. Let me begin by stating that my life is in a CONSTANT state of "OK Mariah, you could be leaving now or at any point in the future and you're gonna be ok with that." I don't know what 'settled' would look or feel like. I will tell you this much that I have made a quiet cautious "decision" to stay in my hometown. It is a quiet little town, not where I would have chosen to be right now but a few months back when I first moved here God made it very clear that this is where I was suppose to be. So here I am, settling, as much as a girl who does not like strings attached can settle. For me this looks like me knocking on different doors to see if I do have a place here. I'm trying to get involved at church. I've begun volunteering, and a few things are still left on my checklist. This includes discussions/planning my future living situation, and a second source of income, maybe even possibly an internship, but i will keep you posted on that, as the holidays in the retail business are kind of crazy.

I owe you all an apology because I wrote the last post not three days after a…heartbreak. Almost two weeks later and I have a bit of a perspective on the situation and it was not as big of a deal as I was making it so I apologize. I am being vague because it's a part of my life that I am not willing to honest about yet with just any person who may read this. When I am honest about how I'm feeling I hate it. I can't stand acting and feeling the way I do, I would ALMOST rather go to the dentist, and if you know anything about me, you know that's saying a lot. (I don't want to talk about it, unless you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are someone that SHOULD know about what I'm talking about, then let me oblige) At least I'm honest about my inability to be honest, right?  The point is I wrote the last blog when I was emotional, oops (I've heard it happens sometimes: you know, emotions?)! I mentioned that the incident (incident makes it seem like it was catastrophic you are going to have to excuse my limited vocabulary: I have a degree in communication not English) was a bit of catalyst and that's true. Since then I have really made steps to seeing if this place is the right place for me. Because I need to begin living life and knowing what that should look like for me. So far, things are semi-falling into place. It might help if I had any big major life plans, but I don't. Marriage: Dear. No. One. (you need to be getting this reference: Tori Kelly, look her up) Career? MAYBE something, soon? I don't understand how I wasn't red flagged in high school or even college, like "HELLO this girl has no direction for her life please somebody help her." But I suppose they do not really do that! It's true that I don't really know WHAT I am doing here but the same would be true anywhere! In my hometown I am already semi established with a good group of people to love and support me. Right now that's all I can ask for and that's all I can give: LOVE. As much as I do not have one specific goal in life the purpose of my life on this earth is to give glory to God in whatever I am doing. We are called as Christians to love others. We are not promised tomorrow. So all I can do is glorify God in what I am doing on the daily, whether that is serving coffee to a group of sweet elderly people who think I'm so pretty and sweet or cashiering for sometimes the not so sweet shoppers at Safeway. Living in the moment: that's about all I know how to do at this point so if I am somewhere I can serve than that is the right place for me.

This post has been very multifunctional hasn't it? Usually I am just spilling my guts about something, working through my emotions but this one was also informative and a little bit practical. Kind of like me eh? Multifunctional, honest, emotional, with a little bit of practical. As always, I love you guys and clearly could use some prayer in directions for my life. 

Motivation

I've included a serious photo of my serious face to seriously add to the effect of my serious blog.
On the real though, this one is mostly serious. 

I've struggled recently with the word "motivation". Being a recent college graduate, I am still transitioning out of "good grades" are my motivation. This 17 years of being a student and then all of a sudden not being one is something I am not handling very well, because, we should always be learning right? Life is about learning and growing right? Well, then what am I doing because I am not feeling like I am doing much of either right now. I am learning some stuff about myself sure enough but it is not necessarily stuff that I like. I don't even feel funny anymore! Guys I am a funny person, I've been reading back through my previous blog posts, Mariah is a funny gal. Sure there are still some people around who are my confidence destroyers,  I know everyone has confidence destroyers in their life, people that just make you feel so insecure. Am I the only one? If I am, please don't tell me. (If you have not gleaned this from my writing so far, here you go: for me my humor and self assuredness go hand in hand) (assuredness = security vs insecurities = self confidence ---> Mariah synonyms)
My lack of progress in self confidence was startling in a recent trip I took back up to my college town. I was greeted in no uncertain terms like a celebrity. That weekend reminded me of glory days, everyone loved me and knew the great girl I know I am, they even crowned me queen. Guys, I was LITERALLY the QUEEN (I have the tiara and pumps to prove it). I came back from that weekend just wanting to be back there, back in time and not where God has me now. But God has me HERE, NOW.
In my college town, I call the shots. I was comfortable in that role of being the one everyone turned to do find out what we were gonna do next. But I am the kind of leader that waves the white flag when confronted with the possibility of a power struggle with another leader. Does this make me a bad leader? Does this make me a leader at all or some kind of nasty pseudo leader?maybe? Maybe I'm just delusional that I possess any leader qualities as all. At any rate I am certainly no kind of leader where I am right now, so my role as a leader or not is something I am going to have to work through as maybe its not my leading abilities at all as it is me being a loud personality. But I do not see that I am any of that here.
I know I am not all that I can be right now. I have to channel my energies into something other than just going to work everyday, because that's not the life I was meant to live. The life I have been called to in Christ is the life that reflects Him, the life of a servant. Life is so unnerving for a servant who's not serving. (shout out to Beauty and the Beast) Christians are servants and if I call myself a Christian, if I have been called to be a Christian then serving is the only way I am going to feel fulfilled in life. Losing your life to gain it. Paul would be so proud on how all my thoughts are finally coming together on this one. If you're reading this right now, thanks dude, can't wait to meet you!
Getting back to the point. motivation. I do desire to serve but  I also thrive with an audience. Does this make me a people pleaser? Or maybe it's just an expression for my need for accountability. Everyone needs accountability. People who know your goals and keep you in check to reach those goals. This does not necessarily have to look like one single person guiding you and coming alongside but in the past that really has helped me. I've been reading Philippians where we get a glimpse at Paul and Timothy's relationship and that seems to support my argument for the importance of a partner. Thus far there is no ONE special person like that in my life. Now accepting applicants. just kidding.
That last paragraph doesn't seem to flow very well with the rest of the blog post but it's very important. Moving on now...
I'm at a blogging crossroads here, do I end the post here or continue on to describe the recent incident in my life that has since acted as a catalyst. It was somewhat of a breaking point that I really should have been expecting but I wasn't and since then only good has come from it. No, I think I will save that for another post, in which I will discuss my deciding to stay or leave my hometown. Stay tuned :)