There are some people in this world who relocate destination oriented (leaving strictly for bigger and better things) and there are some who relocate because they must leave something behind (escaping...unpleasantries). There's a bit of a build up here because you must understand my frame of mind if you are going to understand the rest of this post. I fall into both sides of this "relocation spectrum" [i don't know if spectrum is the correct word exactly but I hope you get it]. There's a lot that I am going to have to leave out of this post, but it's my blog and I am the writer and editor so deal. And just because I leave it out does not mean it's not playing a major part in my decision making.
One more topic I must preface this with is that I am independent. I believe I am independent in the truest sense of the word. Right now I've been holding down a "nine to five" job [3-12 job for those who know me] for about a year. I clock in and clock out and I do NOT have to bring my job home with me. No strings attached there. I have no boyfriend, husband, or kids. I debated just now whether to "get in" to the details of the topic of "boys" but I would not be able to stop so I'm going to try to breeze by this and keep going, and maybe hit that point later. I have minimal commitments in serving, at church and in the community, some by choice, some not. [As of late I see how this has been a good thing as I am about to leave but another part of me knows that I am afraid of commitment because that means I would have to stay] Not too many strings attached there. I've got no strings on me I'm feeling fancy free. Except that I'm not. I am not sure if my resisting these strings has been a good thing (can we say twenty something with a fear of commitment, I'm a cookie cutter, really). With me I know the possibilities are endless, nothing is permanent and even though I can't wait to get out of here, if it's God's will to bring me back here, well then that's still on the table (I've learned to never say never because that's exactly how I ended up back here). I know that even as I write this God could still put something in my path that changes all my plans. That's just where I'm at right now, everything is temporary, nothing is settled.
So enough of that, here we go.
Destination oriented:
1) My two younger siblings were both quite young when I up and left for college, and they were not much older when they moved overseas. So I am ceasing this opportunity to spend at least a few months actually being their big sister. I am excited to see the people they are becoming.
~~For those who do not know, my tentative plan is to finish out the remainder of the year (August through at least December) with my parents, sisters and brother overseas. Upon my return to the States, I have some family on the East Coast I plan to live with. 'Tentative' is a very important word when used in the same sentence as 'plan' in my life, because if you have not noticed by now I really have no idea what direction my life is taking. It's a rather exhausting place to be in life. ~~
2) Living back in my parents household is not going to be easy as I have been out from under their roof for quite a few years now. I know also that adult children at home is especially tricky when those parents are still in the process of raising two other children. This being said, I know it's going to be a growing opportunity for me. I know the Lord has blessed me with two of the wisest people as parents and I am excited to have them physically present to speak into my life again. And also hugs. You don't understand the value of parental hugging until you go a full year without it. Don't pretend like you know my struggle.
3) The world. I have been blessed in being born into somewhat of an international family. A family that knows there is a world beyond the borders of the county. I am so excited to see the world. I am excited to spend some time, no matter how long that may or may not be, in another country, on a different continent. Even with the language barrier, I have been raised to know how vital it is to experience other cultures. With a family lineage like mine, how can I not travel? That's not to say that my unsettled state might not get tiresome some time from now. Like I said, nothing in my life is really permanent. And I'm not saying my family's way is the only way. Maybe some sense of regional stability rooted in my family would have done me some good, who knows? (inquirers get lost somewhere between England, Ethiopia, Morocco, and Santa Barbara. So i don't know if you really want to know about my family)
Leaving behind:
1) This thing that I can't even talk about.. I wish I could say that I was in a different place in my attitude towards all of "this" but I'm not. Most everyone would scoff at my continual struggle with any of this - on any level - this far down the road. But, I am not most people and this is an extremely difficult situation that I have allowed myself to continue in for much (x 1000000000) too long and I'm emotionally drained, to put it lightly. My fragile naive hurting little heart, unfortunately, has never known what a white flag is so I can't even pretend to know what "surrender" is going to look like in this current (yes, current) situation. I'm afraid that's all I can write on the matter. Pray for me.
2) Insecurities. Insecurities that stem from hurt that I was never able to process or deal with. Don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful for everything EVERYONE here has done for me not only this past year but my whole life. I am so blown away by the beauty of some hearts I've come to know this last year. On the real, there's a select PRECIOUS few that I WILL cry over having to leave behind. MOST people the Lord has put in my life during my stay have done EVERY THING they could to love and accept me. But for me (with some), it was just never enough and I realize now it's never going to be enough and that is not healthy. I tend to blame myself because my affections (not boy-affections, just general) were misplaced. My expectation of what certain relationships needed to look like were not reality and will never be reality. I realize that now; I also realize that insecurity is personal and no one else is truly to blame. Whatever was meant to be has been. If I do not find security in what really matters, then these same insecurities will be waiting for me no matter where I am. It's time now for me to step out of my current situation, there's nothing more I'm expecting to gain.
3) Debt. Right at this moment the hurt is so real that it is difficult for me to see the lessons the Lord has been teaching me in my time back. So I'm going to focus on the practical positives of what I have done in my time here. I HAVE PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOANS IN FULL. My final check posted about one month after my one year graduation anniversary. I know how monumental this is but it has not sunk in yet and I don't think it truly will until get out there to explore all the doors that are NOT closed on me BECAUSE I am debt free. What I am leaving behind a LABORIOUS job that has allowed me to knock out my loans quickly. The biggest blessing in the cruelest disguise. I worked at a tiny grocery store. I do not hesitate leaving this job but I do hesitate leaving the community. The way I was able to bless and be blessed by some of my regulars is something I'll carry with me my entire life. The same and more can be said about my coworkers. I am going to miss SO MUCH all the amazing, broken, beautiful people, just like me - that I had the pleasure of working alongside.
I'll be 23 at the end of the summer. My 22nd year of life is not something that I would repeat EVEN IF YOU PROMISED ME A LIFETIME OF HAPPINESS WITH A DANCING DARK MOCHA BOY WITH DIMPLES. Well, maybe if he had dimples, when it comes to dimples I just can't. Anyway I hope to one day look back on this year of life and NOT cringe and be able to look past all the bad that happened and just look at the gold nuggets. Right now however, I am not feeling 22, not in any way. Sorry Taylor. Go away. No don't tswift you're an inspiration to tall girls everywhere I kind of love you.
In conclusion, I do not want this to come across as me being a whiny unsatisfied brat who does not see everything I have been given since moving back. I want to just thank everyone who has worked overtime to make sure I did not completely lose it, and who made sure I was well loved and fed on any holiday and any days in between. I am looking forward to bigger and better things which as of this moment I KNOW can not be found here. This place will always be home, and when all is said and done, and in the grand scheme of my life I know it will be only good times remembered.
Leaving behind:
1) This thing that I can't even talk about.. I wish I could say that I was in a different place in my attitude towards all of "this" but I'm not. Most everyone would scoff at my continual struggle with any of this - on any level - this far down the road. But, I am not most people and this is an extremely difficult situation that I have allowed myself to continue in for much (x 1000000000) too long and I'm emotionally drained, to put it lightly. My fragile naive hurting little heart, unfortunately, has never known what a white flag is so I can't even pretend to know what "surrender" is going to look like in this current (yes, current) situation. I'm afraid that's all I can write on the matter. Pray for me.
3) Debt. Right at this moment the hurt is so real that it is difficult for me to see the lessons the Lord has been teaching me in my time back. So I'm going to focus on the practical positives of what I have done in my time here. I HAVE PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOANS IN FULL. My final check posted about one month after my one year graduation anniversary. I know how monumental this is but it has not sunk in yet and I don't think it truly will until get out there to explore all the doors that are NOT closed on me BECAUSE I am debt free. What I am leaving behind a LABORIOUS job that has allowed me to knock out my loans quickly. The biggest blessing in the cruelest disguise. I worked at a tiny grocery store. I do not hesitate leaving this job but I do hesitate leaving the community. The way I was able to bless and be blessed by some of my regulars is something I'll carry with me my entire life. The same and more can be said about my coworkers. I am going to miss SO MUCH all the amazing, broken, beautiful people, just like me - that I had the pleasure of working alongside.
I'll be 23 at the end of the summer. My 22nd year of life is not something that I would repeat EVEN IF YOU PROMISED ME A LIFETIME OF HAPPINESS WITH A DANCING DARK MOCHA BOY WITH DIMPLES. Well, maybe if he had dimples, when it comes to dimples I just can't. Anyway I hope to one day look back on this year of life and NOT cringe and be able to look past all the bad that happened and just look at the gold nuggets. Right now however, I am not feeling 22, not in any way. Sorry Taylor. Go away. No don't tswift you're an inspiration to tall girls everywhere I kind of love you.
In conclusion, I do not want this to come across as me being a whiny unsatisfied brat who does not see everything I have been given since moving back. I want to just thank everyone who has worked overtime to make sure I did not completely lose it, and who made sure I was well loved and fed on any holiday and any days in between. I am looking forward to bigger and better things which as of this moment I KNOW can not be found here. This place will always be home, and when all is said and done, and in the grand scheme of my life I know it will be only good times remembered.
