Let me start this out by saying that I have quite the impressive wingspan (significantly longer than my height) and if I had any upper body strength at all I would be a force to be reckoned with. Second thing I want to say is that as I write this blog I proceed with caution. Last thing I want to do is thank you for sharing this journey with me.
I'm home.
I wish I could say I knew why. I wish I could say I have the slightest inkling as to what lessons God wants to teach me. If it is what I have only a few times dared to think about what it could be I'm not ready for it.
To carefully begin to explain my inner turmoil at this time I have to go back to the archives of my mind about three years. Summer 2010 my world as I thought I had known it, shattered (shout out to OAR, for inspiring my word usage). I always put it this way, summer after my senior of high school was the best I ever had. Summer after my freshmen year of college was the worst I ever had. Since the issues I am dealing with are still current, this is where my being careful is important, because I realize people do actually read my blog (it's on the world wide web, you wouldn't think I'd be so surprised).
I feel bad for my professors my sophomore year of college, honestly because my heartache was reflected in everything I wrote that year. Yes, it was my therapy but it help me articulate my feelings and pin point just what it was the issue was.
Embarrassment, humiliation, whatever you want to call it. A beating that my pride was not ready to take. A beating my pride is still taking but has not yet fully accepted.
Issues that I realize were not dealt with, or "got over", just suppressed. I just distanced myself from them, literally. I left home for school at the end of that summer and then the next summer is the summer my family moved out so I had no time to experience the hurt. After what happened I didn't really deal with it I just kind of jabbered about it.
Dirty 530 - I had it on lock. I had no, or very few insecurities to deal with. Confidence was fine.
Ptown - you see a different person. I have so many people here that accept me for who I am and who love me for who I am becoming. But there are people here that send any confidence I might have to the pits. The hurt is still there because acceptance still is not.
I left home for college, came back (as permanent or temporary as it may be) after graduating with the same questions as I had as an 18 year old hurting teenager. Questions stemming from insecurities. Unanswered questions.
I don't understand why I so desire this acceptance, for one because I have no idea what it would even look like. For another I don't know if I would truly even appreciate it. I know I need to let it go, because I've built it up in my mind through the years to way more than it should be. Prioritizing horribly (TI). You keep me at an arms length when all I have wanted was a hug.
Imagine a ferocious bird that is screaming and clawing at your face. Trying to let go of that bird is not really an option because it's not simply going to fly away. Nope, you're going to have to hunker down and handle this bird. ("give it the business" as I still say sometimes, although not as frequently as I used to) Back when the bird first began attacking, I retreated. From a safe distance I was able to look at the bird with some perspective, I was able to think through my plan of action. Three years later and I'm still not able to execute said plan. This perspective helped in the bird losing SOME intensity, but it's claws are still out, and still sharp.
The Lord has a plan for me and wants to see me gain the confidence to deal with the "bird". He wants to see me and the bird have a healthy relationship. The bird is only a small part of life, and I've always made it a defining part of my life in the home land. I have to find the where the bird will work in my life. In conclusion, I know the bird is not worth the time I choose to give it. So claws in buddy, claws in. Oh man, birds don't have retractable claws do they? Well, that concludes my metaphor, and post.
I'm home.
I wish I could say I knew why. I wish I could say I have the slightest inkling as to what lessons God wants to teach me. If it is what I have only a few times dared to think about what it could be I'm not ready for it.
To carefully begin to explain my inner turmoil at this time I have to go back to the archives of my mind about three years. Summer 2010 my world as I thought I had known it, shattered (shout out to OAR, for inspiring my word usage). I always put it this way, summer after my senior of high school was the best I ever had. Summer after my freshmen year of college was the worst I ever had. Since the issues I am dealing with are still current, this is where my being careful is important, because I realize people do actually read my blog (it's on the world wide web, you wouldn't think I'd be so surprised).
I feel bad for my professors my sophomore year of college, honestly because my heartache was reflected in everything I wrote that year. Yes, it was my therapy but it help me articulate my feelings and pin point just what it was the issue was.
Embarrassment, humiliation, whatever you want to call it. A beating that my pride was not ready to take. A beating my pride is still taking but has not yet fully accepted.
Issues that I realize were not dealt with, or "got over", just suppressed. I just distanced myself from them, literally. I left home for school at the end of that summer and then the next summer is the summer my family moved out so I had no time to experience the hurt. After what happened I didn't really deal with it I just kind of jabbered about it.
Dirty 530 - I had it on lock. I had no, or very few insecurities to deal with. Confidence was fine.
Ptown - you see a different person. I have so many people here that accept me for who I am and who love me for who I am becoming. But there are people here that send any confidence I might have to the pits. The hurt is still there because acceptance still is not.
I left home for college, came back (as permanent or temporary as it may be) after graduating with the same questions as I had as an 18 year old hurting teenager. Questions stemming from insecurities. Unanswered questions.
I don't understand why I so desire this acceptance, for one because I have no idea what it would even look like. For another I don't know if I would truly even appreciate it. I know I need to let it go, because I've built it up in my mind through the years to way more than it should be. Prioritizing horribly (TI). You keep me at an arms length when all I have wanted was a hug.
Imagine a ferocious bird that is screaming and clawing at your face. Trying to let go of that bird is not really an option because it's not simply going to fly away. Nope, you're going to have to hunker down and handle this bird. ("give it the business" as I still say sometimes, although not as frequently as I used to) Back when the bird first began attacking, I retreated. From a safe distance I was able to look at the bird with some perspective, I was able to think through my plan of action. Three years later and I'm still not able to execute said plan. This perspective helped in the bird losing SOME intensity, but it's claws are still out, and still sharp.
The Lord has a plan for me and wants to see me gain the confidence to deal with the "bird". He wants to see me and the bird have a healthy relationship. The bird is only a small part of life, and I've always made it a defining part of my life in the home land. I have to find the where the bird will work in my life. In conclusion, I know the bird is not worth the time I choose to give it. So claws in buddy, claws in. Oh man, birds don't have retractable claws do they? Well, that concludes my metaphor, and post.
