History/Future

Time. It really is a crazy thing. I can look back ten years from now, I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of  the boy that would complete my family. I was blissfully unaware of the hell that the final two years of Jr. High would bring. My mind can not even start thinking about ten years from now as I don't even know what the next two months will bring. Such is the time in my life. They call it the beginning of adulthood I think they should call it "and you thought college was the hard part?" HAH! they laugh sadistically. For those of you twenty-something year olds that have it all figured out. Those of you with a steady job, home, or financially stable significant other who has stated intentions to be with you forever, stop reading now, this post isn't for you. This post is for those twenty-somethings who life has yet to be kind to. This post is for those who have to TRY to make it. However, if you are one of the few who this post does not relate to, feel free to keep reading because I put it on the internet for any chump to read. But don't expect any roses.
Comrades, comparison is a *you know what.* You are no less of a person just because you're working twice as hard and getting half as far. On the flip side, don't get that martyr syndrome and think that this working twice as hard makes you a better person. Life deals different hands and God does not give us any more than what we can handle. Don't go around with your nose up in the air thinking you are so much braver and stronger than those with a cushy life, everyone has their struggles. I type these words and convict myself. O my freaking gosh I HATE when I do that! And it ALWAYS HAPPENS, maybe I should stop writing hahaha (just kidding, I know y'all love me too much)
Twenty-somethings, are you lacking a purpose? First it was: What do you want to be when you grow up? Then you grew up and until you're doing something with your life the question is "so what did you major in school?" You know you've really reached a whole new level of failure when people stop beating around the bush all together and straight up ask you "what are you doing with your life?" It is at this point where you should call it a night, like those guys did when Jim Jones pulled out of his garage. ( reference to one of my favorite rap songs, Top Back, by TI. [yeah I like a little rap, so what?]) The truth is that nobody know that they are going to do with their life. I am quickly realizing that life is made up of years, years of months, months of weeks, and weeks of days. Thus it is what you do with each DAY, that's what life is about, that's what you DO with life. I uttered a complaint last week that I have nothing to live for, no purpose. How dare I! I have life! God kept me alive today, and that's all I have to worry about. What am I going to live for day to day? Tomorrow is Sunday, what do I live for on my Sunday? Well, I'm going to worship with an amazing community of believers that God has blessed me with. I'm also having lunch with a friend. The question I need to ask going into tomorrow (and EVERY DAY) is "how can I bring glory to God in this day?" Because that is every one's purpose in life, glorifying the Creator. Boy oh boy do I sound like my mother. (which is a wonderful thing, I'm in no way being facetious [which, by the way is one of that funny British ladies favourite words])
When I think about the future I am terrified, I'm not going to lie to you. I have my good days and bad days. On my good days I can boast of my mighty God and how my future is in His hands (which is of course, ALWAYS TRUTH). On bad days......oh lets just say I've made some "chocolate runs" to Winco, Target, Walmart, or wherever I can get my hands on some. Consumption of said chocolate is rather beastly and painfully awkward to witness but is for me unbelievably therapeutic.
I'm all out of words, and although it seems like a brief ending, I think I have written more than enough. So you are welcome, and chin up folks, it gets better! Actually, I really don't know that it does until after death, but if I allow myself to believe that it does not get better I too would be calling it a night. 

Bottled Up

There are some things that I have really been wanting to share. I've been spending some time recently with a friend who gets paid to blog, so I was naturally a little intimidated and hesitant to post another entry, but here it goes!  
First Topic: 
God: outside of the Christian school context. 
It may not come to a shock to everyone that the summer marks my very first time living off of a Christian school campus. Until that fateful day in August 2011 when my family moved to Africa, I had never EVER not lived on campus of the school I attended. For the first time in my life, I truly feel like I can chose what defines me. I have put myself in a situation, however temporary it may be, where I can find who I am and how I spend my time. Let me just tell you a little something as a side note: I love being independent, and I'm going to ride that wave however long it may last! Anyways.... 
So far I'm being pulled toward the idea that life is about service (I'll touch on that later), I think that comes from the life of Jesus? I don't know if you all have heard of him but he's the best. Recently I have been receiving so much clarity about my relationship with Him. Everything I have heard my entire life is slowly sifting and forming the true with out the false. 
It should come to no surprise to any of you that have been "following" me for a while that I struggle with this thing called pride. I am supposedly in a relationship with this Jesus who takes me for who I am, flaws and all. This is what I have heard my whole life. It has been so difficult for me to actually accept this because I felt so useless in the situation. It's true though, I'm human, without Jesus and His love, I am useless, hopeless, and lost. I know the Father only accepts what is blameless. In his eyes though, we ARE indeed blameless. That's the cross! Hello 8 year olds sunday school!  I know all of this is so basic "christianity" but really it's what life is all about. All this crap about "trying to live a perfect life" or "do your best not to sin." Or what was popular in my childhood was the phrase "Do your part." Any effort is irrelevant when you realize that kind of grace we have really recieved in Christ. If you are someone who TRULY understands how much Jesus loves EVERYONE then you are TRULY free, because our very lives will reflect that. I'm trying hard to get through this to you, reader! It's the "dead faith" idea James of the Bible talked about. Faith without works is dead. Faith without works is not. I don't even want to use the term "works" because that's like a buzz word within Christian communities. Nor do I want to say that works is a natural outpouring of faith because that makes it sound like it's a step 1 then step 2 deal. But it's not! Think for one second all it is that Christ has done and your life will be spent loving others in the same way. Be real people! Christ loved us by giving us grace. Grace is love. Love is serving. And we all know you can not be prideful and truly be serving other. Problemo numero uno para Maria. Pray for me as I struggle. I know I have been called to a life of service, but I need to learn service through humility. Humility hurts and it is tough for me not to get that feeling in my heart of superiority (pride) when I am serving. I can SAY that I know I am no better than the people I am serving but SAYING it out loud and FEELING it in your heart are two very different things. If I do all these things, but have not loved, I have gained nothing. (sound familiar, sunday schoolers?) So, yes, I am serving, but I can't say it's 100% from a heart of love. I don't know what this path to humble service is going to look like, but I figured it's better to get on that path by being in service than to be avoiding that context all together. I know I am serving for a reason. Like I said before, humility is a tough lesson to learn, and I can feel it creeping in. Pray for me. 
Well that was a long one, wasn't it? and I'm still going! Lucky you! 
Second Topic: 
20-something life: newsflash: I'M SINGLE. prepare yourself for the music references now: I think you should think you should know that I am listening to Taylor Swift when I write this next part. So when I was thinking about this blog I saw myself as a two sided tape. For all of you born in the 70's, stop being dramatic right now. I was born in '91, of course I know what a tape is. Cheekyness over...
Side #1: 
I love being single! Being single is the business! I get to do whatever I want when I want to do it, and here's the kicker, I don't have to tell anyone!! I've been single my whole life and I have no idea what being a girlfriend looks like. Heck, I've never even been on one date!! Boys are stupid, no pursuing ever takes place anymore, and he would just tie me down. Because this is my view on boys, I would just make the one that happened to fall into my life absolutlely miserable, because i would doubt his sincerity every step of the way, on account that in my almost 22 years of life, no guy I have had feelings for has ever reciprocated, so I think if I saw that I'd probably be too freaked out to know what to do about it! And then I think, well maybe I'm just not DOING it right. That maybe the right guy has come and gone and I was just shut down, as I tend to be with guys I realize I "like like." Paul was single. Singles have a much less complicated life and effectiveness in the Kingdom is untarnished. And I'm done waiting. I'm not a lady in waiting I'm a lady living. If my man is out there he will find me and fight for me. you hear that chumps? FIGHT for your woman. 
Side #2
Being single sucks. If my friends aren't married they are engaged, and if they aren't engaged they have a boyfriend, and if they don't have a boy friend they are dating the scum of the earth. I'm not getting any farther away from the age where the only single guys left are a bunch of desperate social outcasts with masculinity issues. I hate being a third wheel. I've realized many of my friends think third wheeling can be avoided. But to me, a third wheel is someone who is spending time with a couple. It's not a certain situation the couple puts you in or not, it just is. If you're hanging out with a couple, and it's just you three, you're a third wheel, regardless of how they make you feel. At least that is my definition. All this to say that single friends are getting tougher and tougher to come by, so I guess I better buck up! Companionship is something that everyone craves. Someone that knows you inside and outside. Someone who just plain GETS you, is so special and could make life so much easier, knowing that someone is always there. There is no denying that when you see two people together, you just know that they were meant to be by the way they look at each other, by the way they interact. To have that relationship with someone where you don't even have to say anything. To have someone that is not there to judge you but to love you, someone to be your best friend and who you can trust completely is something I long for so much! Not to mention I really do want to make BEAUTIFUL biracial angel children. (side note: you can ask me about my thing for redheads later if you'd like: It's called a spectrum peoples, and let's just say I'm pretty extreme when it comes to types)
Well this is the longest blog I've written in a while. If you are reading this, please comment, or somehow let me know you read this and also your thoughts would be great. Because if I'm not the only crazy person that thinks this way I would love to know! 
TTFN! 

FAQ (stands for frequently asked questions)

yeah, this post is exactly what you think it's about. You're welcome.
 These questions are questions I get asked a lot. Not in any kind of order.

• What is it that your parents DO over there, are they missionaries?
• How tall are your parents? 
• So where do you GO on breaks? 
• How do you know so many people?
• What are you going to DO after you graduate? 
• Can you please just stay at Simpson with us another year? 
• Would you ever date a short guy? 
• Where are you from? 
• How does it feel being queen? 
• Your mom's British, so does she have an accent? 
• How tall are you? 
• Would you ever marry a white man? 
• Do you highlight your hair? 
• Do you play basketball or volleyball?
• I bet you want to marry a really tall guy, don't you? 
• Why do you wear heels? 
• Are you a natural blonde? 
• When do you do your homework? 
• Are your siblings tall too? 
• Do you miss your family? 
• Have you ever modeled? 
• Would you ever dye your hair? 
• So what do you guys do in class, just talk the whole time?
• Are you excited to graduate? 

I know it's been a while. A long while since I have posted. And I guess this is just a little teaser, letting you guys know I am still alive and kicking. I hope this offered a little, slightly humorous glance into the sort of questions I get asked the most often. I promise to try to post more often, depending on how busy my life gets POST graduation, which is coming up SOON, so pray for me! 

Power

"Don't let them have that power over you!" My parents constantly told me this growing up. 
It may be risky writing this today, I have been in a very peculiar mood the entire day, full of my usual highs with some pretty low lows. A tiny, unthrilling roller coaster is typical for someone like me, but this day has been Medusa (six flags, Vallejo)! 

I'll start with a story. Today reality hit me hard that the man I fancied does not fancy me back. Sounds silly yes, but I tell you, I'm in a mood today. I know what my parents would say, they would say, "Don't give him that power over you" if they had heard my sobs. A good friend was able to fill me with fluffy goodness/encouragement, so that mountain has been both climbed descended. Stupid boys. Side story time...

After the fancy man incident, at dinner tonight, a new cute man gave me a funny look (a look that I get a lot, being unique, though I am never quite sure how to interpret it). I had met him, so I asked him how he was AFTER I saw him giving me the look. He was uninterested in answering, as he made clear by walking away. Now, the type of the mood I am in I wanted to take him by the cheeks and shake his head and screech some inaudible blatherings at him until he learned his lesson. I refrained, too distracted by the deliciously fruity popsicle I had just acquired. 

All this is to bring me to the point of power. Who am I letting rule my moods? What determines my happiness? In other words, who has power in my life? By breaking down when the fancy man failed to acknowledge me properly I gave the power to him. He has no idea, of course, or if he does he should die a million deaths in the fiery pit of destruction. 

YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE DETERMINING WHAT DETERMINES YOUR HAPPINESS. My Constant, the one Constant in my crazy life is Christ and who I am in Him. He calls me redeemed, and therefore beautiful and blessed. My happiness needs to be drawn from this. Maybe you can relate, some of the contenders for the top power holders in my life have been: friends, boys, professors, and stress-level. Sock all those guys in the face and say YES to the True Source of Delight. 

I realize this is a shorter post than usually, but (like I'm trying to learn), be thankful for what you do have, stop looking at what you don't have. 

This time last year.

If I had written this a month earlier than I could say that this time last year I had absolutely no idea how many changes would come over the span of a year, but at this point last year, I knew my life was going to change, and I was gearing up for it. I was preparing for it as much as you can prepare for life, because that's the nature of life, it just kinda comes at you.

this is me from July 21, 2010, on Lake Siskiyou, perfectly clueless that in exactly one year, I was going to be saying goodbye to the Pacifican way of life that I had known for so long. 

My sister would call me a "winner" in this picture

July 21, this is the day that my family and I, along with our closest friends, went to our favorite restaurant in San Francisco for the last time. July 21 was the day before we left on our last family vacation to our favorite vacation spot in the world, Lake Siskiyou. This means that July 21 was our last day in our house.  This time last year was my last day living in Pacifica. It was the last few sentences on the last page of the 14 year chapter in my life story. 


This post is going to be a reflection. This post is not going to have much, if any thing about GUYS, as my song of the month is indeed John Mayer's "Perfectly Lonely."


I remember thinking last year, how excited I was for this opportunity we (my family and I) were going to get to see God's faithfulness shine through. And my oh my, has it ever. He's brought so many people in my life at just the right time. And yes, my entire [immediate] family lives in Africa. However, I have been blessed enough to be born into a big fat European family (no one in our family is fat, this is just me playing off of the popular film "My big fat Greek wedding", in case you didn't catch that), who have been there ANYTIME I needed them. 


Whereas my Florida family cannot physically be there for me, I know they are just a phone call away, waiting with willing ears and lots of wisdom to help me through.


 My California family is the reason I am still physically alive. My mom's side of the family, her parents, brother, and sisters have fed me, clothed me, and given me shelter (my aunt mo and uncle t are the most amazing cooks that you will ever hope to meet, so if I really am an "orphan of Africa", I am the most well-fed one there is). 


The government of California has come through for me each year as far as college goes, so no complaints there. It pays to be poor peoples...


I must not leave out friends close enough to be family, who are also conveniently located all over California, who have all let me know that I am more than welcome whenever I need a place to stay. (Some of them are maybe wishing I wouldn't take them up on their generosity so much. Just kidding! Because that's just it - they are NOT wishing this at all)


God is so good. He has used people as His hands and feet and I am so thankful for all the people He has put in my life.


Let's talk (actually, you just sit there and read my blatherings) for a minute about independence. This time last year, I was like a poorly behaved dog on a leash who had just spotted another poorly behaved dog on a leash and they literally thought they were going to die if they did not get a chance to sniff one another's butts. It's possible that this simile got away from me a bit...
Moving on. 


I could not wait to be independent. I could not wait to be a free spirit. 
What I didn't realize it that I have ALWAYS been a free spirit. 
Free spirit has to do with the mind and who I am personality-wise. My spirit has forever been independent, just as my parents. My mum likes to add the word "fiercely" in front of "independent", when she describes the kind of person I am. 


It's taken me a full year to realize that the level of "independence" I seek is for the financially accomplished. Of course, living out from under my parents roof, I do experience a certain level of independence. Meaning that I can not spend money if I am not making it, because mommy and daddy are not there to open their wallets. 


They are also not there for a shoulder to cry on, or to wrap me up in a hug when it turns out some guy I thought fancied me doesn't even like me (oops, sorry, I mentioned a GUY). And if I happen to have a crisis between 2pm and 12am MY TIME, I can't even call them on the phone because of the blasted time difference.


Why do I make such a monstrous issue out of my independence. After all, every 20 something year old goes through the same thing, right? Right! So quit all my blah blah blah right? No, you are reading my blog, so I can write about what ever I want. 


I like to think that I am different (remember: free spirit?) . I suppose when you boil it down, I'm not in that much a different situation than my peers. The difference I see is that my transition from family living (parents, my own bed, a place to call "home") to NOT - happened very suddenly. I would also add that it happened before I was ready but God does not give us anything we can not handle. And so I am humbled that He believes I can handle it, which I AM handling it, along with an army of supporters.  Because, as I ALWAYS say, "Lord KNOWS I could not get through this alone" 


This time NEXT year I will be a college graduate, and LORD only knows WHERE I will be and how much money I will NOT be making, and whether or not I will be truly "on my own", and have the kind of independence I have wanted for a long time, true self sufficiency, financially. 


If it seems like I am trying hard to convince the world that I can make it on my own, it's because I am. "It is what it is, and that's how it's gon be, till I get there" to quote the great Lupe Fiasco (THAT'S the motto, Mr Drake, well so is "go big or go home" <-- a reference to both my height and my loud personality. Also, "all or nothing". Can't pick just one favourite)


Everyday is a learning experience and I thank God for the chance to live this life, even if it feels like sometimes I'm just fumbling along in my journey towards all He may have for me. 

Diary of a Tall Girl

I just read my last post. DANG!! That was a good one, I suppose that I should only blog when I feel inspired. There's been quite the dry spell. I've gotten one view in the last year and I am pretty sure that's me! But for anyone out there who might be reading this, here it goes.

I enjoy being me. It is true that a large part of my identity is that I am tall. When I wear shoes with any lift whatsoever on them, I get shamelessly rebuked by any girl of short or average height. But here's the thing: even if I was not to wear those shoes, they would be squawking at me, asking me pitiful questions like:
"Why are you so tall?"
"How about you give me some of your height?"
or my personal favorite is a simple statement:
"You're so tall!"
which I enjoy responding:
"really? I'm tall?!?"
or
"You're so short!"
These things are said to me when I am wearing flats. So I did something drastic just the other day: I bought a pair of four inch tall wedges. They are indeed the cutest shoes you will ever hope to see. Do people notice this though? No, they just look up at my face [which is definitely in the sky] and shake their head. I've heard short girls say that I should never buy a pair of heels. I've heard fellow tall girls basically say "WORK IT GIRL!" The latter are the girls that I look up to (not literally, I don't  know ANY girls that I literally look up to). They are the ones that inspired me to own my height and carry myself tall and proud. (I realize I may be a little TOO proud and excited about it, at this time - but let me have my moment, I will simmer down in a few years I'm sure) Still talking about these shoes. I finally decided to let my individuality spill out into this area of my life too. I decided to disregard what others have been telling me my entire life and buy a tall pair of shoes. (This could lead me into a dangerous topic: which is my new found love for shoes and shoe shopping, but I won't go into that) And if I say so myself, they are so me!


I recently was given the amazing opportunity to go visit my family. They live in Morocco, Africa. As if being a blonde family wasn't enough to stand out in an African country, we are all tall! Me being the tallest blonde, I enjoyed standing out, for the most part. There were even - believe it or not - some tall Moroccan men. But Moroccan men are forbidden fruit, which is fine with me, because they are all skinnier than me - not my style, as I like a man with a little meat on him. It was lovely experience to be around my 6'0 dad, 5'9 mom, 5'10 sister, 5'7 (still growing) sister, and of course, my wittle bitty (still growing) 9 year old brother, who is no doubt going to be much taller than any of us! I appreciate when I can look someone in the eyes....

I'm the big tall wild blonde on the left, this is me in Morocco

Walking around in public is fine for me, because I am not so freakishly tall that people stop what they are doing and stare at the Amazon lumbering down the sidewalk. This is the one downside to public outings for me: resisting the urge to hug, high five, or verbally acknowledge other tall girls I see. I resist because I realize many tall girls do not share my level of excitement. All I want is some camaraderie, but my enthusiasm in this area as in most areas in life comes across as obnoxious or too crazy to many people (maybe it is).

Worse, though, is how I am with tall men. When I talk about tall I am talking about like 6'4 and over. And by worse I mean that I have to resist approaching them, thanking them for being so tall, and either shaking their hand or planting one on them. Thanking someone for being tall is definitely not the societal norm, and I realize that it would probably make the great tall man feel very awkward, which is opposite of my intent.

Woman and men. Now moving on to the topic of couples. When I see a tall couple, my heart leaps. When I see a couple with a major height discrepancy, my heart burns with rage. Don't worry, peoples, I realize this is an area I need to work on. I understand that the right line of thinking goes like this:
" It doesn't matter what they look like, it's about what is on the inside"
But this is where I am at:
"I can't handle seeing a tall man with a short girl. Tall men are for tall women. You should not be with someone who could sneeze, trip, and squash you. Stop taking all our men! I'M FILLED WITH RAGE YOU LITTLE OOMPA LOOMPA I'M GOING TO CURB STOMP YOU"

I do see the flaw in my thinking. I'm working through it. Deep down, I do know that it does not matter if the girl is taller than the guy, or that the guy is 5 feet taller than the girl. Plus, if you are in one of these relationships, haters like me should only fuel you forward. Please, just be who you are and OWN IT :)

 Tall girls, we should come up with some kind of universal sign of acknowledgment when we pass each other on the street, just so that camaraderie is felt.
Tall guys, please think of us tall girls before dating someone who is going to have to reach all the way up above their head to hold your hand.
Short girls, Yes, you may like them tall, but so do many tall girls. There are plenty of guys that are shorter than tall girls but still taller than you, take one of them please.
Short men, no more being awkward around me, and don't count yourself out just because of height. You guys can be quite the charmers [:
I know that people are people and that height is not what defines us as humans. God made everyone different shapes, colors, and sizes, and everyone has a heart. If you are thinking that this last statement contradicted the entire post, you're right. The last statement is true and good, but thanks for allowing me to rant a bit.

Perspective

When I ran off to get my four year degree right out of high school, I knew that I would learn a few things while I was here. 
One thing I gained is perspective. Sure, some say that my school is a bubble (no arguments there). Be that as it may, it still brought me out of the bubble that I used to live in. 
Time and distance has granted me the perspective to see my life the way it was in a brighter, more accurate light. Separation is great like that.
Perspective. If you have ever said "If only I knew what I know now back then!" then you have literally FELT perspective. This is something I find myself saying about my high school years ALL THE TIME. 
Perspective is what has allowed me to shake my head, but also move on. I can not keep beating myself up for what I did when I was living in ignorance. 
I am not claiming now that I am all knowing, no way. The fact that I have just begun to understand the value to perspective shows me that I have quite the journey ahead of me. 
When I returned for my first summer, I thought my life had ended. It had. 
That pivotal moment in my life (yes, I am both blessed and unfortunate enough to be able to pinpoint a single incident in my past) when I realized my life would never be the same. I had changed my own life by choosing to leave the bubble. 
It was a long painful process of me learning that my new life had begun, and that "those" years were now just a chapter already written. Those that stuck with me through the gruesome process, I thank you. 
It has been an even longer process realizing that the past is not to be longed for. It's an on-going process for me not to scorn those still in the bubble. I call it being stuck. 
This, however, MAY not be the case.
It's not necessarily wrong for those in my old bubble to remain in that bubble. Just because I have left the bubble does not mean that they should too. 
The truth is that God has different plan for everyones life, and His plans all have their own unique timing. 
Hmmm....
This leads me to the idea of "bubbles". I have always been in a bubble. I think God made us to be in bubbles. I think God created us with a desire to belong.
That being said, I think that there are good bubbles and not so good bubbles. Obviously, a gang is a type of bubble. Obviously, not good. A community of underground believers are in a bubble. Good bubble.
Too much of anything is bad (for most everything).
 You've all heard it, so here it is: if you know not what life is like outside of "your" bubble, you're living in a state of ignorance, and yes, it's wrong, and yes, it's your own fault.  
if you have not grown as a person in the last, let's say, 2.5 years, then you're wrong, and yes, it's your own fault.  
Know that life is a gift from God, and it is a gift not meant to be stagnant or squandered. Do not waste your life.  
For the record, this isn't at all what I had in mind blogging about tonight, but I hope you enjoy none-the-less. My intended topic may or may not surface in the future. 
Goodnight and Godspeed!