This time last year.

If I had written this a month earlier than I could say that this time last year I had absolutely no idea how many changes would come over the span of a year, but at this point last year, I knew my life was going to change, and I was gearing up for it. I was preparing for it as much as you can prepare for life, because that's the nature of life, it just kinda comes at you.

this is me from July 21, 2010, on Lake Siskiyou, perfectly clueless that in exactly one year, I was going to be saying goodbye to the Pacifican way of life that I had known for so long. 

My sister would call me a "winner" in this picture

July 21, this is the day that my family and I, along with our closest friends, went to our favorite restaurant in San Francisco for the last time. July 21 was the day before we left on our last family vacation to our favorite vacation spot in the world, Lake Siskiyou. This means that July 21 was our last day in our house.  This time last year was my last day living in Pacifica. It was the last few sentences on the last page of the 14 year chapter in my life story. 


This post is going to be a reflection. This post is not going to have much, if any thing about GUYS, as my song of the month is indeed John Mayer's "Perfectly Lonely."


I remember thinking last year, how excited I was for this opportunity we (my family and I) were going to get to see God's faithfulness shine through. And my oh my, has it ever. He's brought so many people in my life at just the right time. And yes, my entire [immediate] family lives in Africa. However, I have been blessed enough to be born into a big fat European family (no one in our family is fat, this is just me playing off of the popular film "My big fat Greek wedding", in case you didn't catch that), who have been there ANYTIME I needed them. 


Whereas my Florida family cannot physically be there for me, I know they are just a phone call away, waiting with willing ears and lots of wisdom to help me through.


 My California family is the reason I am still physically alive. My mom's side of the family, her parents, brother, and sisters have fed me, clothed me, and given me shelter (my aunt mo and uncle t are the most amazing cooks that you will ever hope to meet, so if I really am an "orphan of Africa", I am the most well-fed one there is). 


The government of California has come through for me each year as far as college goes, so no complaints there. It pays to be poor peoples...


I must not leave out friends close enough to be family, who are also conveniently located all over California, who have all let me know that I am more than welcome whenever I need a place to stay. (Some of them are maybe wishing I wouldn't take them up on their generosity so much. Just kidding! Because that's just it - they are NOT wishing this at all)


God is so good. He has used people as His hands and feet and I am so thankful for all the people He has put in my life.


Let's talk (actually, you just sit there and read my blatherings) for a minute about independence. This time last year, I was like a poorly behaved dog on a leash who had just spotted another poorly behaved dog on a leash and they literally thought they were going to die if they did not get a chance to sniff one another's butts. It's possible that this simile got away from me a bit...
Moving on. 


I could not wait to be independent. I could not wait to be a free spirit. 
What I didn't realize it that I have ALWAYS been a free spirit. 
Free spirit has to do with the mind and who I am personality-wise. My spirit has forever been independent, just as my parents. My mum likes to add the word "fiercely" in front of "independent", when she describes the kind of person I am. 


It's taken me a full year to realize that the level of "independence" I seek is for the financially accomplished. Of course, living out from under my parents roof, I do experience a certain level of independence. Meaning that I can not spend money if I am not making it, because mommy and daddy are not there to open their wallets. 


They are also not there for a shoulder to cry on, or to wrap me up in a hug when it turns out some guy I thought fancied me doesn't even like me (oops, sorry, I mentioned a GUY). And if I happen to have a crisis between 2pm and 12am MY TIME, I can't even call them on the phone because of the blasted time difference.


Why do I make such a monstrous issue out of my independence. After all, every 20 something year old goes through the same thing, right? Right! So quit all my blah blah blah right? No, you are reading my blog, so I can write about what ever I want. 


I like to think that I am different (remember: free spirit?) . I suppose when you boil it down, I'm not in that much a different situation than my peers. The difference I see is that my transition from family living (parents, my own bed, a place to call "home") to NOT - happened very suddenly. I would also add that it happened before I was ready but God does not give us anything we can not handle. And so I am humbled that He believes I can handle it, which I AM handling it, along with an army of supporters.  Because, as I ALWAYS say, "Lord KNOWS I could not get through this alone" 


This time NEXT year I will be a college graduate, and LORD only knows WHERE I will be and how much money I will NOT be making, and whether or not I will be truly "on my own", and have the kind of independence I have wanted for a long time, true self sufficiency, financially. 


If it seems like I am trying hard to convince the world that I can make it on my own, it's because I am. "It is what it is, and that's how it's gon be, till I get there" to quote the great Lupe Fiasco (THAT'S the motto, Mr Drake, well so is "go big or go home" <-- a reference to both my height and my loud personality. Also, "all or nothing". Can't pick just one favourite)


Everyday is a learning experience and I thank God for the chance to live this life, even if it feels like sometimes I'm just fumbling along in my journey towards all He may have for me. 

Diary of a Tall Girl

I just read my last post. DANG!! That was a good one, I suppose that I should only blog when I feel inspired. There's been quite the dry spell. I've gotten one view in the last year and I am pretty sure that's me! But for anyone out there who might be reading this, here it goes.

I enjoy being me. It is true that a large part of my identity is that I am tall. When I wear shoes with any lift whatsoever on them, I get shamelessly rebuked by any girl of short or average height. But here's the thing: even if I was not to wear those shoes, they would be squawking at me, asking me pitiful questions like:
"Why are you so tall?"
"How about you give me some of your height?"
or my personal favorite is a simple statement:
"You're so tall!"
which I enjoy responding:
"really? I'm tall?!?"
or
"You're so short!"
These things are said to me when I am wearing flats. So I did something drastic just the other day: I bought a pair of four inch tall wedges. They are indeed the cutest shoes you will ever hope to see. Do people notice this though? No, they just look up at my face [which is definitely in the sky] and shake their head. I've heard short girls say that I should never buy a pair of heels. I've heard fellow tall girls basically say "WORK IT GIRL!" The latter are the girls that I look up to (not literally, I don't  know ANY girls that I literally look up to). They are the ones that inspired me to own my height and carry myself tall and proud. (I realize I may be a little TOO proud and excited about it, at this time - but let me have my moment, I will simmer down in a few years I'm sure) Still talking about these shoes. I finally decided to let my individuality spill out into this area of my life too. I decided to disregard what others have been telling me my entire life and buy a tall pair of shoes. (This could lead me into a dangerous topic: which is my new found love for shoes and shoe shopping, but I won't go into that) And if I say so myself, they are so me!


I recently was given the amazing opportunity to go visit my family. They live in Morocco, Africa. As if being a blonde family wasn't enough to stand out in an African country, we are all tall! Me being the tallest blonde, I enjoyed standing out, for the most part. There were even - believe it or not - some tall Moroccan men. But Moroccan men are forbidden fruit, which is fine with me, because they are all skinnier than me - not my style, as I like a man with a little meat on him. It was lovely experience to be around my 6'0 dad, 5'9 mom, 5'10 sister, 5'7 (still growing) sister, and of course, my wittle bitty (still growing) 9 year old brother, who is no doubt going to be much taller than any of us! I appreciate when I can look someone in the eyes....

I'm the big tall wild blonde on the left, this is me in Morocco

Walking around in public is fine for me, because I am not so freakishly tall that people stop what they are doing and stare at the Amazon lumbering down the sidewalk. This is the one downside to public outings for me: resisting the urge to hug, high five, or verbally acknowledge other tall girls I see. I resist because I realize many tall girls do not share my level of excitement. All I want is some camaraderie, but my enthusiasm in this area as in most areas in life comes across as obnoxious or too crazy to many people (maybe it is).

Worse, though, is how I am with tall men. When I talk about tall I am talking about like 6'4 and over. And by worse I mean that I have to resist approaching them, thanking them for being so tall, and either shaking their hand or planting one on them. Thanking someone for being tall is definitely not the societal norm, and I realize that it would probably make the great tall man feel very awkward, which is opposite of my intent.

Woman and men. Now moving on to the topic of couples. When I see a tall couple, my heart leaps. When I see a couple with a major height discrepancy, my heart burns with rage. Don't worry, peoples, I realize this is an area I need to work on. I understand that the right line of thinking goes like this:
" It doesn't matter what they look like, it's about what is on the inside"
But this is where I am at:
"I can't handle seeing a tall man with a short girl. Tall men are for tall women. You should not be with someone who could sneeze, trip, and squash you. Stop taking all our men! I'M FILLED WITH RAGE YOU LITTLE OOMPA LOOMPA I'M GOING TO CURB STOMP YOU"

I do see the flaw in my thinking. I'm working through it. Deep down, I do know that it does not matter if the girl is taller than the guy, or that the guy is 5 feet taller than the girl. Plus, if you are in one of these relationships, haters like me should only fuel you forward. Please, just be who you are and OWN IT :)

 Tall girls, we should come up with some kind of universal sign of acknowledgment when we pass each other on the street, just so that camaraderie is felt.
Tall guys, please think of us tall girls before dating someone who is going to have to reach all the way up above their head to hold your hand.
Short girls, Yes, you may like them tall, but so do many tall girls. There are plenty of guys that are shorter than tall girls but still taller than you, take one of them please.
Short men, no more being awkward around me, and don't count yourself out just because of height. You guys can be quite the charmers [:
I know that people are people and that height is not what defines us as humans. God made everyone different shapes, colors, and sizes, and everyone has a heart. If you are thinking that this last statement contradicted the entire post, you're right. The last statement is true and good, but thanks for allowing me to rant a bit.

Perspective

When I ran off to get my four year degree right out of high school, I knew that I would learn a few things while I was here. 
One thing I gained is perspective. Sure, some say that my school is a bubble (no arguments there). Be that as it may, it still brought me out of the bubble that I used to live in. 
Time and distance has granted me the perspective to see my life the way it was in a brighter, more accurate light. Separation is great like that.
Perspective. If you have ever said "If only I knew what I know now back then!" then you have literally FELT perspective. This is something I find myself saying about my high school years ALL THE TIME. 
Perspective is what has allowed me to shake my head, but also move on. I can not keep beating myself up for what I did when I was living in ignorance. 
I am not claiming now that I am all knowing, no way. The fact that I have just begun to understand the value to perspective shows me that I have quite the journey ahead of me. 
When I returned for my first summer, I thought my life had ended. It had. 
That pivotal moment in my life (yes, I am both blessed and unfortunate enough to be able to pinpoint a single incident in my past) when I realized my life would never be the same. I had changed my own life by choosing to leave the bubble. 
It was a long painful process of me learning that my new life had begun, and that "those" years were now just a chapter already written. Those that stuck with me through the gruesome process, I thank you. 
It has been an even longer process realizing that the past is not to be longed for. It's an on-going process for me not to scorn those still in the bubble. I call it being stuck. 
This, however, MAY not be the case.
It's not necessarily wrong for those in my old bubble to remain in that bubble. Just because I have left the bubble does not mean that they should too. 
The truth is that God has different plan for everyones life, and His plans all have their own unique timing. 
Hmmm....
This leads me to the idea of "bubbles". I have always been in a bubble. I think God made us to be in bubbles. I think God created us with a desire to belong.
That being said, I think that there are good bubbles and not so good bubbles. Obviously, a gang is a type of bubble. Obviously, not good. A community of underground believers are in a bubble. Good bubble.
Too much of anything is bad (for most everything).
 You've all heard it, so here it is: if you know not what life is like outside of "your" bubble, you're living in a state of ignorance, and yes, it's wrong, and yes, it's your own fault.  
if you have not grown as a person in the last, let's say, 2.5 years, then you're wrong, and yes, it's your own fault.  
Know that life is a gift from God, and it is a gift not meant to be stagnant or squandered. Do not waste your life.  
For the record, this isn't at all what I had in mind blogging about tonight, but I hope you enjoy none-the-less. My intended topic may or may not surface in the future. 
Goodnight and Godspeed!

Training Ground

Since I feel like I really have something here, I do see this blog as a training ground for my message to the world. I can run tests on this page.
It's hopeless. I ruin any kind of relationship I have with a guy I may like straight into the ground. When I say "like," I mean "like" yes, THAT kind of "like." What I am saying is that at a certain point, something clicks, in the worst sense of the word. It must be a point that I am unaware of something I have said. It always comes around the dinner table. I know that once I'm at the dinner table with that guy, well, it's going to be the last supper. You'd think that after the third time, I'd shriek and tell them to run away - fast. Or at least you would think I would take on that task myself. But no, I prefer to watch it slip out of my reach. And it falls hard. I have yet to know why. Self awareness fail.
This leads me back up to the top. "It's hopeless." The term "hopeless" implies that there was once hope for SOMETHING. What is this thing that there was apparently "hope" for? The truth is nothing. The more accepted theory is that that SOMETHING is really not a THING at all but a someONE. Speaking from inside this Christianese bubble I've been raised in my whole life, us Christian girls are told things such as:
"it's worth the wait" or
"you should become so lost in God that a man has to find God if he wants to find you"or my personal favorite (note: the sarcasm):
"there is someone out there for everyone"
Let's just look at these three shall we?

"wait"is a word implies something waiting for. What is it that you are waiting for? Is "it" the inevitable knight in shining armor? Us girls are taught to be in a period of waiting, thus is our mindset. We wait.

as for the second quote: ......what. the..... I hate the entire wording of this catch phrase. It just makes me want to barf. I understand the concept behind it but, really? Whoever came up with this needs to go dig a hole where no one but God could see her face, and then see if her man "finds" her. "Find" implies "search," as if there is this one guy out there "looking just for you." It's a nice idea, but some of the greatest women in the history of the world accomplished moving mountains with no man at her side.

The last quote leads me to the bulk of my proposition. I will rebuttal simply and swiftly. There is NOT someone out there for EVERYONE. Your soulmate is not canvassing the globe to find you- his perfect match. Many people live and die single. Many people live single, marry, and die having found their soulmate. As a young Christian woman I am told that this is ideal. I would argue that the first is ideal. (Look at Paul) Further more, many many many many many people  can't survive single, marry, divorce, and repeat. It's sickening. I think the loudest problem is the divorce rate these days, which is just as high with Christians as it is in "secular" society. I think the REAL problem, however, begins when Sally first realizes that Johnny is not just a person, but a boy. Sally attends a Christian school, goes to church at least once a week, and has bible principles instilled in her before she knew how to count to ten. All good things. When Sally notices Johnny she will be told the three things I mentioned above. The ship has sunk before it's even sailed. Sally needs to be told that Johnny's life belongs to God. Sally needs to be told that her life belongs to God. Sally needs to be fostered in a community of people that love the Lord and care for each other. Sally needs to be told NOT to wait for Johnny, but to live her own full life, with her FAMILY at her side. Sally needs to be told that God is the SOLE author of a man loving a woman, if it were indeed in His will for this to happen. Matters of the heart, in whatever aspect, are for God to deal with. I've heard the phrase "give God the pen to your love story." Who puts the pen in our hands in the first place? Our mothers do by telling us to wait. Our fathers do with all their "someday when...." stories. Our pastors do by pounding our head full of Proverbs 31. Our pen is not ours to give to God, the pen always has and always will be God's! This idea spills out into every area of our lives. What I am asking is one of the hardest things to do. In a society where you can not turn on the television without having sex shoved down your throat, I would say it's near impossible.
That is why what I am called to share is so radical. The term "wait" and "hope"and "when" need to be thrown out when talking about relationships with the opposite sex. We need to replace these words with "continue" and "if." Ya, and hope needs to be kept to Christ. The minute we stop "waiting" is the same minute we free ourselves of the misery that comes with "searching" for someone whom will not even exist until God allows for it.

that's enough for now. Yes, there is more, but not now.

Life and Love

My life is so blessed. God has brought me struggles but He has brought me through, and I know it ain't over. God has blessed me immeasurably with so many things. When my immediate family left the country, God sent in the auxiliary, where four left, countless others rushed in. I have so many loving family members. So many people God has brought into my life that truly love me and want the best for my life. This is the way that God wants it to be. Love others and love God. I only wish I could show others how much I appreciate them loving me. My life has been radically changed, but the love of my God has remained steady. Thank you to all who have loved me, always.

Late Night Thoughts

it is late but my brain is stuffy so I have to get some thoughts out. 

Keep an open mind to what God may have for your life

God knows best; He's got you covered

Being confident in who I am as a person needs to come from confidence of who I am in Him, because that is who He made me

The past can not be changed, make the future better

Time and experience go hand in hand. It is only in time that you learn and grow. Sometimes, time is the toughest thing to wait for

Dance like no one is watching, or, if you are like me, dance like everyone is watching, because they are

Those things in life that are worth having are never easy to come by

Start of Christmas Season

Halloween is over, the days of Penny Pingleton are done. However, my dreaming of one day being a checkerboard chick are long from over. Halloween is over, which means that I have began listening to Christmas music. Two months of Christmas tunes? This is a good thing.
Thanksgiving. Christmas, the time to bundle up and cuddle up. Let us first look at this concept of bundling up. Northern Cali, it knew. As I stepped out this morning into the campus sized freezer, I almost fell back (which would have been mortifying, seeing as I got six feet to fall, and my pack was quite heavy which means that I probably would not have been able to return to my feet after I "turtled")! Bundling up is a necessity in a time like these. For a gal with such little hands, gloves are a necessity. For gloves, I have two options. I have a pair of black gloves, with three neon coloured stripes across the middle. Or, on those days that I am feeling extra bold, I have a pair of solid pink gloves. The kind of pink that makes bystanders say "WOAH she REALLY SUPPORTS the cure for breast cancer!" Bundling up is fun, it makes the twenty pounds gained in November look like forty pounds! Always good!
Cuddling up. Oh here comes the critical side of me. Couples come out in full force PDA during the chilly seasons. Call it what you will. Cupcaking. Canoodling. Snuggling. Whatever your word choice when describing significant other rendezvous in public, its annoying. Couples take fall and winter as an opportunity to "warm" each other, as if all of a sudden the presence of "someone special" renders big overcoats and gloves totally worthless.
There are many other things that the Christmas season brings, but it's still super early, so there will surely be more to come. Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks should be fun, seeing as I'm not completely sure of what I am doing or where I am going. Well, all in God's time and plan.